bill cosby haunted by bloody nightmares of son

NEW YORK (AP) -- Bill Cosby said he is still haunted by bloody nightmares of his son, Ennis, who was shot to death last month while changing a tire off a Los Angeles freeway. "Sometimes there's this horrible picture that I have of Ennis, with blood coming out ... of his nose, mouth and eyes," Cosby told ABC's Good Morning America in an interview that aired today. "Eyes wide open, and he's dead."

bill cosby looked to british poet for solace

By BOB THOMAS - Associated Press

LOS ANGELES - His son dead and an affair exposed, Bill Cosby unexpectedly found himself gaining comfort from a British writer known for controversial views on race.

"Because of Ennis's murder, I found myself dealing with a man I had often argued with," Cosby told The Associated Press. "I had many, many arguments with him. That was Rudyard Kipling."

Kipling, who died in 1936, wrote a number of books inspired by his experiences working for the British government in colonial India. But he also wrote poetry, one of which was titled White Man's Burden, in which he glorified the colonization of foreign lands. Another, Gunga Din, is about the devotion of an Indian servant to British soldiers battling in the Punjab.

Cosby had long objected to Kipling, and yet could not help being drawn to one of his works, the poem If. "The first paragraph I kept reading. I didn't want to memorize it. I just kept reading it over and over."

The poem, recited by countless schoolboys over the century, begins:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal with lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise ...

"It was very calming, very calming," Cosby said. "Because there were times when you wanted to yell out and just be a nasty person. Reading that paragraph over and over, I was able to suppress it."

On Jan. 16, Cosby learned that his only son, Ennis, 27, had been shot to death in Los Angeles. Then a woman who claimed to be his daughter demanded millions to remain silent.

Autumn Jackson, 23, was sentenced to 26 months in prison on Dec. 12 after being convicted in New York of extortion and other charges. Cosby admitted having sex with the woman's mother, but denied being Ms. Jackson's father.

The trial of the 18-year-old man charged in his son's slaying is scheduled to take place next month.

So now has Bill Cosby made his peace with Kipling? "No!" he replied strongly. "That's the beautiful part about what his poem also teaches you. There are some things you don't like and you still don't like them. We argue, and I've learned that I can toast him for If. But I still got a problem with Gunga Din being down in hell waiting for this guy to come so he can give him more water."

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When someone we love is senselessly murdered, the surviving family members and friends are usually angry, bitter, and full of blame ... All these feelings are part of the grieving. It is understandable. Anger turns into guilt, as there are always so many who believe that there was something they could have done to prevent such a crime. If there is a trial, then the grieving is continually stirred up as the evidence is presented and witnesses testify.

This is a horrendous period of life for all those involved. On one hand, you want the trial to be over so you can have some closure; on the other hand, you want to make sure that justice is served and everything is done properly. Not only is murder shocking, but often the surviving family members and friends are tormented by thoughts of their loved one's last minutes on earth.

When someone is thrown out of the physical body suddenly, as in a violent death, the spirit may not know for a hile that it has passed over. It may wander the Earth realm as if in a dream ... However, once a soul has made the adjustment to the spiritual level, a relative or spirit guide is there to assist it. The communication I have had with murder victims has been a mixture of confusion on the one hand, and concern for the living on the other.

There are many reasons why murder occurs ... it may be due to a karmic debt that has to be repaid. Grieving for a murdered person may be a very difficult process. Be patient, as it will take some time. Remember that forgiveness can help you get through your own painful feelings.

- from Reaching to Heaven, by James van Praagh