menu/ ANNIE HALL

[Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin]

FADE IN: White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.

FADE OUT: credits

FADE IN: Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

ALVY

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such ... small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness ... and it's all over much too quickly.

The-the other important joke for me is one that's, uh, usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's wit and its relation to the unconscious. And it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing: Uh ... "I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."

That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. Tsch, you know, lately the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, tsch, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I don't know.

I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one o' those characters, you know. Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. I, uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the - the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say the, uh, distinguished gray, for instance, you know?

'Less I'm neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o' those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism.

[Sighing] Annie and I broke up and I - I still can't get my mind around that. You know, I - I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and - and examining my life and tryin' to figure out where did the screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we were ... tsch, in love.

You know, and-and-and ... And it's funny, I'm not - I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character. I - I - I, uh, [Laughing] you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II.

CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned, cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a cigarette and listening.

MOTHER

[To the doctor] He's been depressed. All of a sudden, he can't do anything.

DOCTOR

[Nodding] Why are you depressed, Alvy?

MOTHER

[Nudging Alvy] Tell Dr. Flicker.

[Young Alvy sits, his head down. His mother answers for him]

It's something he read.

DOCTOR

[Puffing on his cigarette and nodding] Something he read, huh?

ALVY

[His head still down] The universe is expanding.

DOCTOR

The universe is expanding?

ALVY

[Looking up at the doctor] Well, the universe is everything, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

MOTHER

[shouting] What is that your business? [she turns back to the doctor] He stopped doing his homework.

ALVY

What's the point?

MOTHER

[Excited, gesturing with her hands] What has the universe got to do with it? You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding!

DOCTOR

[Heartily, looking down at Alvy] It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy ourselves while we're here. Uh?

He laughs. CUT TO: Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it. A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

ALVY'S VOICE

My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories, but I swear I was brought up underneath the roller-

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every move of the roller coaster.

ALVY'S VOICE

-coaster in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous, I think.

CUT TO: Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

ALVY'S VOICE

You know, I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little, and have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

CUT TO: Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

ALVY'S VOICE

My father ran the bumper-car concession. [Alvy as a child moves into the frame driving a bumper car. He stops as other cars bombard him. His father continues to direct the traffic] There - there he is and there I am. But I - I - I - I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. [Alvy backs up his car off screen.]

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures. While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard - "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

ALVY'S VOICE

I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh, that "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." And ... uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I must say -

CUT TO: A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity; there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

ALVY'S VOICE

I always felt my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the time. And - and Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

IVAN

Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him, reacting.

ALVY'S VOICE

Even then I knew they were just jerks. [The camera moves back to the teacher, who is glaring out at her students] In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl. She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to his seat.

1ST GIRL

[Making noises] Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.

TEACHER [Off screen]

That's the second time this month! Step up here!

As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their heads to watch what will happen next.

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

Step up here!

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult, sitting in the last seat of the second row.

ALVY [AS ADULT]

[First off screen, then onscreen as camera moves over to the back of the classroom] Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.

TEACHER

[The younger, Alvy standing next to her] Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds.

ALVY [AS ADULT]

[Still sitting in the back of the classroom] I did.

The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and speaks.

1ST GIRL

For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period.

ALVY [AS ADULT]

[Gesturing] Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it.

TEACHER

[With young, Alvy still at her side] Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? [The camera pans over to Donald, sitting up tall in his seat, then back to the teacher] Now, there was a model boy!

ALVY [AS CHILD]

[Still standing next to the teacher] Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

DONALD

I run a profitable dress company.

ALVY'S VOICE

Right. Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today.

The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks, the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time, the young students rise up from their desks and speak.

1ST BOY

I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

2ND BOY

I sell tallises.

3RD BOY

I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict.

2ND GIRL

I'm into leather.

INT. ROOM Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show. He sits next to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right. Static is heard throughout the dialogue.

ALVY

I lost track of most of my old schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. They did not take me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly enough, I was - I was four-P.

Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.

DICK CAVETT

Four-P?

ALVY

Yes. In - in - in - in the event of war, I'm a hostage.

More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and talking as she looks off screen.

MOTHER

You always only saw the worst in people. You never could get along with anyone at school. You were always outta step with the world. Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world.

EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - DAY A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried. The screen shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally, as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.

ALVY

I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."

ROB

You're crazy!

ALVY

No, I'm not. We were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "Jew."

ROB

Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

ALVY

Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on those kind o' things. You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it? Jew eat?

ROB

Ah, Max, you, uh ...

ALVY

Stop calling me Max.

ROB

Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.

ALVY

No, I don't! You know, I was in a record store. Listen to this - so I know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, Wagner - so I know what he's really tryin' to tell me very significantly ... Wagner.

ROB

Right, Max. California, Max.

ALVY

Ah.

ROB

Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

ALVY

Forget it, Max.

ROB

We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there, Max.

ALVY

No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

ROB

[Checking his watch] Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be late for meeting Annie?

ALVY

I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman. I think I have a few minutes left. Right?

EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER - DAY Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking, can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him, then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare. Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man. The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.

1ST MAN

Hey, you on television?

ALVY

[Nodding] No. Yeah, once in a while. You know, like occasionally.

1ST MAN

What's your name?

ALVY

[Clearing his throat] You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter. What's the difference?

1ST MAN

You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny Carson, right?

ALVY

Once in a while, you know. I mean, you know, every now -

1ST MAN

What's your name?

Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people move through the doors of the theater.

ALVY

[Nervously] I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.

1ST MAN

[Laughing] Come on.

ALVY

Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks very much ... for everything.

They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and calls out. Alvy looks impatient.

1ST MAN

Hey!

2ND MAN

[Off screen] What?

1ST MAN

This is Alvy Singer!

ALVY

Fellas ... you know - Jesus! Come on!

1ST MAN

[Overlapping, ignoring Alvy] This guy's on television! Alvy Singer, right? Am I right?

ALVY

[Overlapping 1st man] Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break. Jesus Christ!

1ST MAN

[Still ignoring Alvy's protestations] This guy's on television.

ALVY

I need a large polo mallet!

2ND MAN

[Moving into the screen] Who's on television?

1ST MAN

This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

ALVY

[Annoyed] Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the teamsters? You know ...

2ND MAN

[Also ignoring Alvy] What program?

1ST MAN

[Holding out a matchbook] Can I have your autograph?

ALVY

You don't want my autograph.

1ST MAN

[Overlapping, Alvy's speech] Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend. Make it out to Ralph.

ALVY

[Taking the matchbook and pen and writing] Your girl friend's name is Ralph?

1ST MAN

It's for my brudder. [To passersby] Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy -

2ND MAN

[To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech] You really Alvy Singer, the ... the TV star?

Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.

1ST MAN

- Singer!

2ND MAN

Alvy Singer over here!

A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over to it about to get in.

ALVY

[Overlapping the two men and stuttering] I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas. [As Alvy opens the cab door, the two men still behind him, Annie gets out] Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of the Panama Canal?

ANNIE

[Overlapping Alvy] Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?

Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of the theater as they continue to talk.

ALVY

Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of "The Godfather."

ANNIE

You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

ALVY

Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech!

ANNIE

Okay. [They move into the ticket line, still talking. A billboard next to them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN"] Please, I have a headache, all right?

ALVY

Hey, you are in a bad mood. You - you - you must be getting your period.

ANNIE

I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think that I'm getting my period!

They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets and walking off screen.

ALVY

[Gesturing] A li-little louder. I think one of them may have missed it! [To the ticket clerk] H'm, has the picture started yet?

TICKET CLERK

It started two minutes ago.

ALVY

[Hitting his hand on the counter] That's it! Forget it! I - I can't go in.

ANNIE

Two minutes, Alvy.

ALVY

[Overlapping Annie] No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We - we've blown it already. I - you know, uh, I - I can't go in in the middle.

ANNIE

In the middle? [Alvy nods his head yes and let's out an exasperated sigh] We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish.

ALVY

You wanna get coffee for two hours or something? We'll go next-

ANNIE

Two hours? No, uh-uh, I'm going in. I'm going in.

She moves past the ticket clerk.

ALVY

[Waving to Annie] Go ahead. Goodbye.

Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.

ANNIE

Look, while we're talking we could be inside, you know that?

ALVY

[Watching people with tickets move past them] Hey, can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

ANNIE

Alright. All right, all right, so whatta you wanna do?

ALVY

I don't know now. You-you wanna go to another movie? [Annie nods her head and shrugs her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy, gesturing with his band, looks at her] So let's go see "The Sorrow and the Pity".

ANNIE

Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis.

ALVY

Well, I'm sorry, I - I can't ... I - I -I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish, 'cause - 'cause I'm anal.

ANNIE

[ Laughing now] H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

INT. THEATER LOBBY. A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and Annie among them. A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing scene.

MAN IN LINE

[Loudly to his companion right behind Alvy and Annie] We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best. It lacks a cohesive structure. You know, you get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've always felt he was essentially a - a technical film maker. Granted, "La Strada" was a great film. Great in its use of negative energy more than anything else. But that simple cohesive core ...

Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie begins to read her newspaper.

ALVY

[Overlapping the man's speech] I'm - I'm - I'm gonna have a stroke.

ANNIE

[Reading] Well, stop listening to him.

MAN IN LINE

[Overlapping Alvy and Annie] You know, it must need to have had its leading from one thought to another. You know what I'm talking about?

ALVY

[Sighing] He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

MAN IN LINE

Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon, I found it incredibly ... indulgent. You know, he really is. He's one of the most indulgent film makers. He really is -

ALVY

[Overlapping] Key word here is "indulgent."

MAN IN LINE

[Overlapping] - without getting ... well, let's put it this way ...

ALVY

[To Annie, who is still reading, overlapping the man in line who is still talking] What are you depressed about?

ANNIE

I missed my therapy. I overslept.

ALVY

How can you possibly oversleep?

ANNIE

The alarm clock.

ALVY

[Gasping] You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?

ANNIE

I know - because of our sexual problem, right?

ALVY

Hey, you ... everybody in line at the New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse?

MAN IN LINE

- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know - I admire the technique but he doesn't ... he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

ALVY

[To Annie] I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.

ANNIE

Stop it, Alvy!

ALVY

[Wringing his hands] Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know, he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

MAN IN LINE

And then, the most important thing of all is a comedian's vision.

ANNIE

And you know something else? You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy you can think of it in terms of how it affects you!

MAN IN LINE

[Lighting a cigarette while he talks] Gal gun-shy is what it is.

ALVY

[Reacting again to the man in line] Probably on their first date, right?

MAN IN LINE

[Still going on] It's a narrow view.

ALVY

Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy." [He sighs; then to Annie] Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

ANNIE

Oh!

ALVY

I - I - I mean, I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

ANNIE

Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem! Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?

The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.

ALVY

I never read that. That was - that was Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...

MAN IN LINE

[Even louder now] It's the influence of television. Yeah, now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a - a high, uh, high intensity, you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed to a ...

ALVY

[More and more aggravated] What I wouldn't give for a large sock o' horse manure.

MAN IN LINE

... as opposed to a print ...

Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the camera.

ALVY

[Sighing and addressing the audience] What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind you? I mean, it's just maddening!

The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.

MAN IN LINE

Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country!

ALVY

I mean, d- He can give you - Do you hafta give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? And - and the funny part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan's ... work!

MAN IN LINE

[Overlapping] Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media and Culture"! So I think that my insights into Mr. McLuhan - well, have a great deal of validity.

ALVY

Oh, do yuh?

MAN IN LINE

Yes.

ALVY

Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here. So ... so, here, just let me - I mean, all right. Come over here ... a second.

Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and pulls Marshall McLuhan from behind the poster.

MAN IN LINE

Oh.

ALVY

[To McLuhan] Tell him.

MCLUHAN

[To the man in line] I hear - I heard what you were saying. You - you know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing.

ALVY

[To the camera] Boy, if life were only like this!

INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS. Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers. THE SORROW AND THE PITY CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972 MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969 Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation

NARRATOR'S VOICE

[Over credits and soldiers] June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the German army occupies Paris. All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news.

CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Annie is sitting up in bed reading.

ALVY

[Off screen] Boy, those guys in the French Resistance were really brave, you know? Got to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

ANNIE

M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.

ALVY

[Off screen] You? You kiddin'? [He moves into the frame, lying across the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a face] If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.

ANNIE

That movie makes me feel guilty.

ALVY

Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.

ANNIE

Alvy, I ...

ALVY

What - what - what - what's the matter?

ANNIE

I - you know, I don't wanna.

ALVY

[Overlapping Annie, reacting] What - what - I don't ... It's not natural! We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time.

ANNIE

I know, well, it's just that - you know, I mean, I - I - I - I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice.

ALVY

[Overlapping Annie again] It's always some kind of an excuse. It's - You know, you used to think that I was very sexy. What ... When we first started going out, we had sex constantly ... We're - we're probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records.

ANNIE

[Patting Alvy's band solicitously] I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll pass, it's just that I'm going through a phase, that's all.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

I mean, you've been married before, you know how things can get. You were very hot for Allison at first.

CUT TO: INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT. Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity. Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally, interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.

ALLISON

[Looking down at the clipboard] Ma'am, you're on right after this man ... about twenty minutes, something like that.

WOMAN

Oh, thank you.

Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she turns to face him.

ALVY

[Coughing] Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?

ALLISON

[Looking down at the clipboard] Who are you?

ALVY

Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.

ALLISON

Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're on next.

ALVY

[Rubbing his hands together nervously] What do you mean, next?

ALLISON

[Laughing] Uh ... I mean you're on right after this act.

ALVY

[Gesturing] No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

ALLISON

Yes.

ALVY

So what are you telling me, you're putting on two comics in a row?

ALLISON

Why not?

ALVY

No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin' - I can't ... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

ALLISON

It's okay.

ALVY

No, because they're - they're laughing, so [He starts laughing nervously] I - I - I'd rather not. If you don't mind, I prefer -

ALLISON

[Overlapping] Will you relax, please? They're gonna love you, I know.

ALVY

[Overlapping] I prefer not to, because ... look, they're laughing at him. See, so what are yuh telling me -

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

ALLISON

[Overlapping] Yes.

ALVY

[Overlapping] - that I've got to ... ah ... ah ... They're gonna laugh at him for a couple minutes, then I gotta go out there, I gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can they laugh? [Off screen] They - they they're laughed out.

ALLISON

[Off screen] Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in clusters around the room. The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging his hands nervously.

COMEDIAN

[Off screen, onstage] You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

ALVY

[Above the chatter around him] Look, what's your - what's your name?

COMEDIAN

[Off screen] ... General Eisenhower is not ...

ALLISON

[Looking out at the stage] Allison.

ALVY

Yeah? Allison what?

ALLISON

[Still looking off screen] Portchnik.

COMEDIAN

... a group from the ...

ALVY

[Over the comedian's voice] Portchnik ... that's nice.

ALLISON

Thank you.

ALVY

[In disbelief, almost to himself] Allison Portchnik ...! [He whistles and sticks out his tongue offscreen, reacting] So, uh ... whatta telling me, yuh work for the Stevenson all the time, or what?

ALLISON

[Still looking offscreen] No, no, no, I'm, uh, I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.

ALVY

On what?

ALLISON

"On Political Commitment in Twentieth-Century Literature."

ALVY

Y-y-you like New york Jewish Left-Wing Liberal intellectual Central Park West Brandeis University ... uh, the Socialist Summer Camps and the ... the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right? And you really, you know, strike-oriented kind of - uh, stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself.

ALLISON

No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.

ALVY

Right, I'm a bigot, you know, but for the left. [He stands, hands in pockets, looking out at the stage. The comedian is finished and the audience is applauding. Allison looks at him as people bustle around them.] Oh, I have to go out there.

He puts his hands on Allison's shoulders.

ALLISON

[Looking at Alvy] Yes.

Alvy straightens his tie nervously.

ALVY

Say something encouraging quickly.

ALLISON

I think you're cute.

ALVY

Thank you.

ALLISON

[Laughing] M'mmm, h'h. Go ahead.

The crowd applauds. Alvy moves onto the stage as the previous comedian walks off. The audience continues to applaud as he moves to the podium. Allison stands in the wings watching, toying with the pencil from her clipboard.

ALVY

[Coughing] Thank you. I - I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally 'cause ... [He clears his throat] Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

ALVY

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ... a woman in the Eisenhower Administration ... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM. Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room; a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

ALVY

H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this, because it - I can't get it off my mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON

Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room, gesturing with his hands.

ALVY

It - but it - it ... doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound. So - how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON

Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his fingers and starts walking again.

ALVY

I'll tell you this! He was not marksman enough to hit a moving target at that range. But ... [Clears his throat] if there was a second assassin ... it - that's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

ALLISON

We've been through this.

ALVY

If they-they recovered the shells from that rifle.

ALLISON

[Moving back to the bed and lighting a cigarette] Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying, now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY

Well, why not?

ALLISON

Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY

[Moving toward the bed] Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON

Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY

[Propping one knee on the bed and gesturing] L-L-Lyndon Johns- Lyndon Johnson is a politician. You know the ethics those guys have? It's like - uh, a notch underneath child molester.

ALLISON

Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY

[Nodding his head] Tsch.

ALLISON

The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar Hoover and oil companies and the Pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking again.

ALVY

I - I - I - I would leave out the men's room attendant.

ALLISON

You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY

Oh, my God! [Then, to the camera] She's right! Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was - she was beautiful. She was willing. She was real ... intelligent. [Sighing] Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that I - I just don't wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

ANNIE

Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY

Look, I told you it was a ... mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE

Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY

Well, maybe we should just call the police. Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE

Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for God's sake.

ALVY

If they're only babies, then you pick 'em up.

ANNIE

Oh, all right. All right! It's all right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing, she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY

Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE

[Hysterically] Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY

[Pointing] Look! Look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed at night. [They move over to the refrigerator; Alvy moves as close to the wall as possible as Annie, covering her mouth and laughing hysterically, teasingly dangles a lobster in front of him] Will you get outta here with that thing? Jesus!

ANNIE

[Laughing, to the lobster] Get him!

ALVY

[Laughing] Talk to him. You speak shellfish! [He moves over to the stove and takes the lid of a large steamer filled with boiling water] Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE

[Laughing] I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY

[Overlapping] Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What - what's he think we're gonna do, take him to the movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

ANNIE

[Overlapping Alvy and making sounds] Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now he'll think- [She screams] Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY

[Overlapping Annie] Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE

All right. All right. All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling, she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to push it from the wall.

ALVY

Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a little dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE

[Overlapping] Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna get my camera.

ALVY

You know, I - I think ... if I could pry this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks 'cause they don't have legs. They don't run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle. Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink. Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

ANNIE

Great! Great! [Screaming] Goddammit! [Screaming] Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this lobster up. Hold it, please!

ALVY

All right! All right! All right! All right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna take pictures now?

ANNIE

It'll make great - Alvy, be - Alvy, it'll be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

ALVY

[Picking up the lobster Annie placed on the counter earlier] All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and making a face.

ANNIE

Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please, one more picture. [Reluctantly Alvy picks up the lobster again as Annie takes another picture] Oh, oh, good, good!

EXT. OCEAN FRONT - DUSK. The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.

ALVY

So, so - well, here's what I wanna know. W-what ... [He clears his throat] Am I your first big romance?

ANNIE

Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.

ALVY

Well, then, w-who was?

ANNIE

Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis, from Chippewa Falls High School.

CUT TO: FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee. He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the frame. They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.

ALVY'S VOICE

[Off screen] Dennis - right, uh, uh ... local kid probably, would meetcha in front of the movie house on Saturday night.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked like then.

ALVY'S VOICE

[Off screen, laughing] Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the wife of an astronaut.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Then there was Jerry, the actor.

CUT TO: FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.

ALVY'S VOICE

[Laughing] Look at you, you - you're such a clown.

ANNIE'S VOICE

I look pretty.

ALVY'S VOICE Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but that guy with you ...

JERRY

Acting is like an exploration of the soul. I-it's very religious. Uh, like, uh, a kind of liberating consciousness. It's like a visual poem.

ALVY

[Laughing] Is he kidding with that crap?

YOUNGER ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I know exactly what you mean, when you say "religious."

ALVY

[Incredulous, to Annie] You do?

ANNIE

[Still watching] Oh, come on - I mean, I was still younger.

ALVY

Hey, that was last year.

JERRY

It's like when I think of dying. You know how I would like to die?

YOUNGER ANNIE

No, how?

JERRY

I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.

ALVY'S VOICE

Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Hey, listen - I mean, he was a terrific actor, and look at him, he's neat-looking and he was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you like emotion too much.

Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as she raises her foot toward his chest.

JERRY

Touch my heart ... with your foot.

ALVY'S VOICE

I - I may throw up!

CUT BACK TO: EXTERIOR. BEACH-DUSK It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The camera moves over the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the camera always one step ahead of them.

ANNIE

He was creepy.

ALVY

Yeah, I - I think you're pretty lucky I came along.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!

ALVY

La-de-da. If I - if anyone had ever told me that I would be taking out a girl who used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .

ANNIE

Oh, that's right. That you really like those New York girls.

ALVY

Well, no ... not just, not only.

ANNIE

Oh, I'd say so. You married -

CUT TO: INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and Robin make their way through the people. A waiter, carrying a tray, walks past them. Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks it of the tray first. There is much low-key chatter in the background.

ANNIE

[Off screen] - two of them.

ROBIN

There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh, the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.

ALVY

Yeah, two more chairs and they got a dining-room set.

ROBIN

Why are you so hostile?

ALVY

[Sighing] 'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on television.

ROBIN

[Squinting] Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice to the host because he's publishing my book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt. A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart ...

They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.

ALVY

[Taking Robin's hand] I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.

ROBIN

Commentary.

ALVY

Oh, really? I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

ROBIN

No jokes - these are friends, okay?

INT. BEDROOM Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.

TV ANNOUNCER

[Off screen] Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New York Knicks.

Robin enters the room, slamming the door.

ROBIN

Here you are. There's people out there.

ALVY

Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen points, and now ... [Clears his throat] they're ahead two points.

ROBIN

Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff the ball through a hoop?

ALVY

[Looking at Robin] What's fascinating is that it's physical. You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand ... [Clears his throat] the body doesn't lie, as - as we now know.

Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses her and moves farther up on the bed.

ROBIN

Stop acting out.

She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.

ALVY

No, it'll be great! It'll be great, be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in there, you know, like ... discussing models of alienation and we'll be in here, quietly humping.

He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.

ROBIN

Alvy, don't! You're using sex to express hostility.

ALVY

"Why - why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?" [Clears his throat] he said as he removed her brassiere...

ROBIN

[Pulling away again] There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine. My God! What would they think?

She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and moves toward the door.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness. Outside, a siren starts blaring.

ROBIN

Oh, I'm sorry!

ALVY

Don't get upset!

ROBIN

Dammit! I was so close.

She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side. Alvy turns to her.

ALVY [Gesturing]

Jesus, last night it was some guy honking his car horn. I mean, the city can't close down. You know, what - whatta yuh gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the airport, too? No more flights so we can have sex?

ROBIN

[Reaching over for her eyeglasses on the night table] I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York.

ALVY

Well, I can't li- We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous. There's ... You got crickets and it - it's quiet ... there's no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, there's the screens with the dead moths behind them, and... uh, yuh got the - the Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry -

ROBIN

[Interrupting] Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?

She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.

ALVY

Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can - we can start again.

ROBIN

I can't.

ALVY

What -

ROBIN

My head is throbbing.

ALVY

Oh, you got a headache!

ROBIN

I have a headache.

ALVY

Bad?

ROBIN

Oswald and ghosts.

ALVY

Jesus!

He begins to get out of bed.

ROBIN

Where are you going?

ALVY

Well, I'm - I'm gonna take another in a series of cold showers.

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