and Woody Allen monologue begin]
FADE IN: White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.
FADE OUT: credits
FADE IN: Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue.
He wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background
There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain
resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the food at this place is really
terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such ... small portions."
Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full
of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness ... and
it's all over much too quickly.
The-the other important joke for me is one that's, uh, usually attributed
to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's wit
and its relation to the unconscious. And it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing:
Uh ... "I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone
like me for a member."
That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships
with women. Tsch, you know, lately the strangest things have been
going through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, tsch, and I guess I'm
going through a life crisis or something, I don't know.
I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one o' those characters,
you know. Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst
you can say about me. I, uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get
older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the - the balding virile type,
you know, as opposed to say the, uh, distinguished gray, for instance,
'Less I'm neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o' those guys with
saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with
a shopping bag screaming about socialism.
[Sighing] Annie and I broke up and I -
I still can't get my mind around that. You know, I - I keep sifting
the pieces of the relationship through my mind and - and examining
my life and tryin' to figure out where did the screw-up come, you
know, and a year ago we were ... tsch, in love.
You know, and-and-and ... And it's funny, I'm not - I'm not a morose
type. I'm not a depressive character. I - I - I, uh, [Laughing] you
know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War II.
CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa
with his mother in an old-fashioned, cluttered doctor's office. The
doctor stands near the sofa, holding a cigarette and listening.
[To the doctor] He's been depressed. All of a sudden, he can't do
[Nodding] Why are you depressed, Alvy?
[Nudging Alvy] Tell Dr. Flicker.
[Young Alvy sits, his head down. His mother answers for him]
It's something he read.
[Puffing on his cigarette and nodding] Something he read, huh?
[His head still down] The universe is expanding.
The universe is expanding?
[Looking up at the doctor] Well, the universe is everything, and if
it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the
end of everything!
Disgusted, his mother looks at him.
[shouting] What is that your business? [she turns back to the doctor]
He stopped doing his homework.
What's the point?
[Excited, gesturing with her hands] What has the universe got to do
with it? You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding!
[Heartily, looking down at Alvy] It won't be expanding for billions
of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy ourselves while we're
He laughs. CUT TO: Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster
ride built over it. A line of cars move up and then slides with great
speed while out the window of the house a band shakes a dust mop.
My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories, but I swear I
was brought up underneath the roller-
CUT TO: INT. HOUSE Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and
reading a comic book while his father sits on the sofa reading the
paper. The house shakes with every move of the roller coaster.
-coaster in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts
for my personality, which is a little nervous, I think.
CUT TO: Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military
men representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with
a blond woman in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward
the foreground. The girl stops before the camera to lean over and
throw a kiss. The sign over the concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam
Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller coaster is moving in full gear
in the background.
You know, I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump
around a little, and have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
CUT TO: Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping
into each other as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing
My father ran the bumper-car concession. [Alvy as a child moves into
the frame driving a bumper car. He stops as other cars bombard him.
His father continues to direct the traffic] There - there he is and
there I am. But I - I - I - I used to get my aggression out through
those cars all the time. [Alvy backs up his car off screen.]
INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers
standing in front of the blackboard. The chalk writing on the board
changes as each teacher lectures. While Alvy speaks, one of the male
teachers puts an equation on the blackboard - "2 X 10 = 20 " and other
I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying,
uh, that "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach
gym." And ... uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't do anything,
I think, were assigned to our school. I must say -
CUT TO: A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom.
The blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The
camera pans her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind
their desks. Alvy as a child sits in a center desk wile all around
him there is student activity; there is note-passing, ruler-tapping,
I always felt my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know,
fat little face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the
time. And - and Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.
Ivan stands up behind his desk.
Seven and three is nine.
Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over
at him, reacting.
Even then I knew they were just jerks. [The camera moves back to the
teacher, who is glaring out at her students] In nineteen forty-two
I had already dis-
As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a
young girl. She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek,
as Alvy moves back to his seat.
[Making noises] Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.
TEACHER [Off screen]
That's the second time this month! Step up here!
As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat
and moves over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students
turn their heads to watch what will happen next.
What'd I do?
Step up here!
What'd I do?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an
adult, sitting in the last seat of the second row.
ALVY [AS ADULT]
[First off screen, then onscreen as camera moves over to the back
of the classroom] Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
[The younger, Alvy standing next to her] Six-year-old boys don't have
girls on their minds.
ALVY [AS ADULT]
[Still sitting in the back of the classroom] I did.
The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures
For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period.
ALVY [AS ADULT]
[Gesturing] Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it.
[With young, Alvy still at her side] Why couldn't you have been more
like Donald? [The camera pans over to Donald, sitting up tall in his
seat, then back to the teacher] Now, there was a model boy!
ALVY [AS CHILD]
[Still standing next to the teacher] Tell the folks where you are
I run a profitable dress company.
Right. Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today.
The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their
desks, the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time,
the young students rise up from their desks and speak.
I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
I sell tallises.
I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict.
I'm into leather.
INT. ROOM Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk
show. He sits next to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits
on his right. Static is heard throughout the dialogue.
I lost track of most of my old schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian.
They did not take me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly enough,
I was - I was four-P.
Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.
Yes. In - in - in - in the event of war, I'm a hostage.
More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.
INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned
dining-room table peeling carrots and talking as she looks off screen.
You always only saw the worst in people. You never could get along
with anyone at school. You were always outta step with the world.
Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world.
EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - DAY A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk
trees, brownstones, a school; people mill about, some strolling and
carrying bundles, others buried. The screen shows the whole length
of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk beyond. As the
following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in the
distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable,
finally, as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They
eventually move past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard
in the background.
I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
No, I'm not. We were walking off the tennis court, and you know, he
was there and me and his wife, and he looked at her and then they
both looked at me, and under his breath he said, "Jew."
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on those kind o' things. You
know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said ... uh,
"Did you eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" Not,
did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew.
You get it? Jew eat?
Ah, Max, you, uh ...
Stop calling me Max.
Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
No, I don't! You know, I was in a record store. Listen to this - so
I know there's this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and he's lookin'
at me in a funny way and smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a
sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, Wagner - so I know what he's
really tryin' to tell me very significantly ... Wagner.
Right, Max. California, Max.
Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.
Forget it, Max.
We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there, Max.
No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but I don't wanna live in a
city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right
turn on a red light.
[Checking his watch] Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be late
for meeting Annie?
I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman. I think I have a few minutes
EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER - DAY Alvy stands in front of glass doors of
theater, the ticket taker behind him just inside the glass doors.
The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking, can be heard while
he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather jacket,
walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him,
then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to
look at Alvy again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man
continues to stare. Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and
trying not to notice the man. The man, still staring, walks back to
Hey, you on television?
[Nodding] No. Yeah, once in a while. You know, like occasionally.
What's your name?
[Clearing his throat] You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter. What's
You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny Carson, right?
Once in a while, you know. I mean, you know, every now -
What's your name?
Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more
people move through the doors of the theater.
[Nervously] I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.
[Laughing] Come on.
Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks very much ... for everything.
They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks
over his shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he
points to Alvy and calls out. Alvy looks impatient.
[Off screen] What?
This is Alvy Singer!
Fellas ... you know - Jesus! Come on!
[Overlapping, ignoring Alvy] This guy's on television! Alvy Singer,
right? Am I right?
[Overlapping 1st man] Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break. Jesus
[Still ignoring Alvy's protestations] This guy's on television.
I need a large polo mallet!
[Moving into the screen] Who's on television?
This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.
[Annoyed] Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the teamsters? You know
[Also ignoring Alvy] What program?
[Holding out a matchbook] Can I have your autograph?
You don't want my autograph.
[Overlapping, Alvy's speech] Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.
Make it out to Ralph.
[Taking the matchbook and pen and writing] Your girl friend's name
It's for my brudder. [To passersby] Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy
[To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech] You really Alvy Singer, the
... the TV star?
Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb
of the sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic
Alvy Singer over here!
A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over
to it about to get in.
[Overlapping the two men and stuttering] I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.
[As Alvy opens the cab door, the two men still behind him, Annie gets
out] Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of the Panama Canal?
[Overlapping Alvy] Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?
Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket
booth of the theater as they continue to talk.
Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of "The Godfather."
You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.
Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech!
Okay. [They move into the ticket line, still talking. A billboard
next to them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN"]
Please, I have a headache, all right?
Hey, you are in a bad mood. You - you - you must be getting your period.
I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every time anything out of the ordinary
happens, you think that I'm getting my period!
They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying
tickets and walking off screen.
[Gesturing] A li-little louder. I think one of them may have missed
it! [To the ticket clerk] H'm, has the picture started yet?
It started two minutes ago.
[Hitting his hand on the counter] That's it! Forget it! I - I can't
Two minutes, Alvy.
[Overlapping Annie] No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We - we've blown
it already. I - you know, uh, I - I can't go in in the middle.
In the middle? [Alvy nods his head yes and let's out an exasperated
sigh] We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish.
You wanna get coffee for two hours or something? We'll go next-
Two hours? No, uh-uh, I'm going in. I'm going in.
She moves past the ticket clerk.
[Waving to Annie] Go ahead. Goodbye.
Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.
Look, while we're talking we could be inside, you know that?
[Watching people with tickets move past them] Hey, can we not stand
here and argue in front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.
Alright. All right, all right, so whatta you wanna do?
I don't know now. You-you wanna go to another movie? [Annie nods her
head and shrugs her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy, gesturing with
his band, looks at her] So let's go see "The Sorrow and the Pity".
Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour
documentary on Nazis.
Well, I'm sorry, I - I can't ... I - I -I've gotta see a picture exactly
from the start to the finish, 'cause - 'cause I'm anal.
[ Laughing now] H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.
INT. THEATER LOBBY. A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to
get into the theater, Alvy and Annie among them. A bum of indistinct
chatter can be heard through the ensuing scene.
MAN IN LINE
[Loudly to his companion right behind Alvy and Annie] We saw the Fellini
film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best. It lacks a cohesive
structure. You know, you get the feeling that he's not absolutely
sure what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've always felt he was
essentially a - a technical film maker. Granted, "La Strada" was a
great film. Great in its use of negative energy more than anything
else. But that simple cohesive core ...
Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed,
while Annie begins to read her newspaper.
[Overlapping the man's speech] I'm - I'm - I'm gonna have a stroke.
[Reading] Well, stop listening to him.
MAN IN LINE
[Overlapping Alvy and Annie] You know, it must need to have had its
leading from one thought to another. You know what I'm talking about?
[Sighing] He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
MAN IN LINE
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon, I found it incredibly
... indulgent. You know, he really is. He's one of the most indulgent
film makers. He really is -
[Overlapping] Key word here is "indulgent."
MAN IN LINE
[Overlapping] - without getting ... well, let's put it this way ...
[To Annie, who is still reading, overlapping the man in line who is
still talking] What are you depressed about?
I missed my therapy. I overslept.
How can you possibly oversleep?
The alarm clock.
[Gasping] You know what a hostile gesture that is to me?
I know - because of our sexual problem, right?
Hey, you ... everybody in line at the New Yorker has to know our rate
MAN IN LINE
- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know - I admire the technique but
he doesn't ... he doesn't hit me on a gut level.
[To Annie] I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.
The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie
Stop it, Alvy!
[Wringing his hands] Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know, he's
spitting on my neck when he talks.
MAN IN LINE
And then, the most important thing of all is a comedian's vision.
And you know something else? You know, you're so egocentric that if
I miss my therapy you can think of it in terms of how it affects you!
MAN IN LINE
[Lighting a cigarette while he talks] Gal gun-shy is what it is.
[Reacting again to the man in line] Probably on their first date,
MAN IN LINE
[Still going on] It's a narrow view.
Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish
academic wishes to meet woman who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce
and sodomy." [He sighs; then to Annie] Whatta you mean, our sexual
I - I - I mean, I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem! Okay, my sexual problem!
The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.
I never read that. That was - that was Henry James, right? Novel,
uh, the sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...
MAN IN LINE
[Even louder now] It's the influence of television. Yeah, now Marshall
McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a - a high, uh, high intensity,
you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed to a ...
[More and more aggravated] What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'
MAN IN LINE
... as opposed to a print ...
Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing
[Sighing and addressing the audience] What do you do when you get
stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind you? I mean, it's
The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.
MAN IN LINE
Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country!
I mean, d- He can give you - Do you hafta give it so loud? I mean,
aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? And - and the funny part
of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall
McLuhan's ... work!
MAN IN LINE
[Overlapping] Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to teach a class
at Columbia called "TV Media and Culture"! So I think that my insights
into Mr. McLuhan - well, have a great deal of validity.
Oh, do yuh?
MAN IN LINE
Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here.
So ... so, here, just let me - I mean, all right. Come over here ...
Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line
to the back of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up
movie poster and pulls Marshall McLuhan from behind the poster.
MAN IN LINE
[To McLuhan] Tell him.
[To the man in line] I hear - I heard what you were saying. You -
you know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How
you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing.
[To the camera] Boy, if life were only like this!
INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.
Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers. THE SORROW AND THE
PITY CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972 MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969 Chronicle
of a French town during the Occupation
[Over credits and soldiers] June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the German
army occupies Paris. All over the country, people are desperate for
every available scrap of news.
CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Annie is sitting up in bed reading.
[Off screen] Boy, those guys in the French Resistance were really
brave, you know? Got to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.
[Off screen] You? You kiddin'? [He moves into the frame, lying across
the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a face] If the Gestapo would take
away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.
That movie makes me feel guilty.
Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.
He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.
Alvy, I ...
What - what - what - what's the matter?
I - you know, I don't wanna.
[Overlapping Annie, reacting] What - what - I don't ... It's not natural!
We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time.
I know, well, it's just that - you know, I mean, I - I - I - I gotta
sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice.
[Overlapping Annie again] It's always some kind of an excuse. It's
- You know, you used to think that I was very sexy. What ... When
we first started going out, we had sex constantly ... We're - we're
probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records.
[Patting Alvy's band solicitously] I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass,
it'll pass, it's just that I'm going through a phase, that's all.
I mean, you've been married before, you know how things can get. You
were very hot for Allison at first.
CUT TO: INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT. Allison, clipboard
in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various people.
Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.
Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her.
The sounds of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard,
occasionally, interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen
audience. Allison stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI"
[Looking down at the clipboard] Ma'am, you're on right after this
man ... about twenty minutes, something like that.
Oh, thank you.
Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder;
she turns to face him.
[Coughing] Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?
[Looking down at the clipboard] Who are you?
Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.
Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're on next.
[Rubbing his hands together nervously] What do you mean, next?
[Laughing] Uh ... I mean you're on right after this act.
[Gesturing] No, it can't be, because he's a comic.
So what are you telling me, you're putting on two comics in a row?
No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin' - I can't ... I don't wanna go on after
No, because they're - they're laughing, so [He starts laughing nervously]
I - I - I'd rather not. If you don't mind, I prefer -
[Overlapping] Will you relax, please? They're gonna love you, I know.
[Overlapping] I prefer not to, because ... look, they're laughing
at him. See, so what are yuh telling me -
They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.
[Overlapping] - that I've got to ... ah ... ah ... They're gonna laugh
at him for a couple minutes, then I gotta go out there, I gotta ...
get laughs, too. How much can they laugh? [Off screen] They - they
they're laughed out.
[Off screen] Do you feel all right?
As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their
point of view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving
pictures of Adlai Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping,
sits at round tables in clusters around the room. The camera moves
back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging his
[Off screen, onstage] You know ...
Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background
[Above the chatter around him] Look, what's your - what's your name?
[Off screen] ... General Eisenhower is not ...
[Looking out at the stage] Allison.
Yeah? Allison what?
[Still looking off screen] Portchnik.
... a group from the ...
[Over the comedian's voice] Portchnik ... that's nice.
[In disbelief, almost to himself] Allison Portchnik ...! [He whistles
and sticks out his tongue offscreen, reacting] So, uh ... whatta telling
me, yuh work for the Stevenson all the time, or what?
[Still looking offscreen] No, no, no, I'm, uh, I'm in the midst of
doing my thesis.
"On Political Commitment in Twentieth-Century Literature."
Y-y-you like New york Jewish Left-Wing Liberal intellectual Central
Park West Brandeis University ... uh, the Socialist Summer Camps and
the ... the father with the Ben Shahn drawings, right? And you really,
you know, strike-oriented kind of - uh, stop me before I make a complete
imbecile of myself.
No, that was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
Right, I'm a bigot, you know, but for the left. [He stands, hands
in pockets, looking out at the stage. The comedian is finished and
the audience is applauding. Allison looks at him as people bustle
around them.] Oh, I have to go out there.
He puts his hands on Allison's shoulders.
[Looking at Alvy] Yes.
Alvy straightens his tie nervously.
Say something encouraging quickly.
I think you're cute.
[Laughing] M'mmm, h'h. Go ahead.
The crowd applauds. Alvy moves onto the stage as the previous comedian
walks off. The audience continues to applaud as he moves to the podium.
Allison stands in the wings watching, toying with the pencil from
[Coughing] Thank you. I - I don't know why they would have me at this
kind of rally 'cause ... [He clears his throat] Excuse me, I'm not
essentially a political comedian at all.
The audience starts to laugh.
I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ... a woman in the Eisenhower Administration
... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to me 'cause, uh . . . tsch
. . . 'cause I was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what Eisenhower has
been doing to the country for the last eight years.
The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM. Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing.
There are books all over the room; a fireplace, unlit, along one of
the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits on the edge of the bed.
Allison looks at him.
H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with this, because it - I can't
get it off my mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!
Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention.
Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the
room, gesturing with his hands.
It - but it - it ... doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book
depository and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound.
So - how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at
once? It doesn't make sense.
Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then
snaps his fingers and starts walking again.
I'll tell you this! He was not marksman enough to hit a moving target
at that range. But ... [Clears his throat] if there was a second assassin
... it - that's it!
Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison
gets up from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.
We've been through this.
If they-they recovered the shells from that rifle.
[Moving back to the bed and lighting a cigarette] Okay. All right,
so whatta yuh saying, now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren Commission
is in on this conspiracy, right?
Well, why not?
Yeah, Earl Warren?
[Moving toward the bed] Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.
[Propping one knee on the bed and gesturing] L-L-Lyndon Johns- Lyndon
Johnson is a politician. You know the ethics those guys have? It's
like - uh, a notch underneath child molester.
Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?
[Nodding his head] Tsch.
The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar Hoover and oil companies and the
Pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House?
Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts
I - I - I - I would leave out the men's room attendant.
You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with
Oh, my God! [Then, to the camera] She's right! Why did I turn off
Allison Portchnik? She was - she was beautiful. She was willing. She
was real ... intelligent. [Sighing] Is it the old Groucho Marx joke?
That-that I - I just don't wanna belong to any club that would have
someone like me for a member?
EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the
wind-browned exterior of a beach house in the Hamptons. As they continue
to talk, the camera moves inside the house. Alvy is picking up chairs,
trying to get at the group of lobsters crawling on the floor. Dishes
are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of groceries sit on the
counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.
Alvy, now don't panic. Please.
Look, I told you it was a ... mistake to ever bring a live thing in
Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.
The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a
wooden paddle, tries to shove them onto it.
Well, maybe we should just call the police. Dial nine-one-one, it's
the lobster squad.
Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for God's sake.
If they're only babies, then you pick 'em up.
Oh, all right. All right! It's all right. Here.
She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail.
Laughing, she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.
Don't give it to me. Don't!
[Hysterically] Oooh! Here! Here!
[Pointing] Look! Look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. It'll
turn up in our bed at night. [They move over to the refrigerator;
Alvy moves as close to the wall as possible as Annie, covering her
mouth and laughing hysterically, teasingly dangles a lobster in front
of him] Will you get outta here with that thing? Jesus!
[Laughing, to the lobster] Get him!
[Laughing] Talk to him. You speak shellfish! [He moves over to the
stove and takes the lid of a large steamer filled with boiling water]
Hey, look ... put it in the pot.
[Laughing] I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I can't put a live
thing in hot water.
[Overlapping] Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What - what's he think we're
gonna do, take him to the movies?
Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and
drops it gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.
[Overlapping Alvy and making sounds] Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good,
now he'll think- [She screams] Aaaah! Okay.
[Overlapping Annie] Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!
All right. All right. All right.
She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster.
Smiling, she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator
trying to push it from the wall.
Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. I can't get
it out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a little dish of butter
sauce here with a nutcracker, it will run out the other side, you
know what I mean?
[Overlapping] Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna get my camera.
You know, I - I think ... if I could pry this door off ... We shoulda
gotten steaks 'cause they don't have legs. They don't run around.
Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the
paddle. Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes
and hitting the chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back
against the sink. Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures
Great! Great! [Screaming] Goddammit! [Screaming] Ooooh! These are
... p-p-p-pick this lobster up. Hold it, please!
All right! All right! All right! All right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh
gonna take pictures now?
It'll make great - Alvy, be - Alvy, it'll be wonderful ... Ooooh,
[Picking up the lobster Annie placed on the counter earlier] All right,
here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!
Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his
tongue and making a face.
Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please, one more picture. [Reluctantly
Alvy picks up the lobster again as Annie takes another picture] Oh,
oh, good, good!
EXT. OCEAN FRONT - DUSK. The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk
along the shore.
So, so - well, here's what I wanna know. W-what ... [He clears his
throat] Am I your first big romance?
Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.
Well, then, w-who was?
Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis, from Chippewa Falls High School.
CUT TO: FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT Behind him
is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.
He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves
into the frame. They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.
[Off screen] Dennis - right, uh, uh ... local kid probably, would
meetcha in front of the movie house on Saturday night.
Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked like then.
[Off screen, laughing] Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the wife of
Then there was Jerry, the actor.
CUT TO: FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT The younger, Annie
and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band down Annie's
bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger
Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.
[Laughing] Look at you, you - you're such a clown.
I look pretty.
ALVY'S VOICE Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but that guy with
Acting is like an exploration of the soul. I-it's very religious.
Uh, like, uh, a kind of liberating consciousness. It's like a visual
[Laughing] Is he kidding with that crap?
[Laughing] Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I know exactly what you
mean, when you say "religious."
[Incredulous, to Annie] You do?
[Still watching] Oh, come on - I mean, I was still younger.
Hey, that was last year.
It's like when I think of dying. You know how I would like to die?
I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
Hey, listen - I mean, he was a terrific actor, and look at him, he's
neat-looking and he was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you like
emotion too much.
Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the
floor as she raises her foot toward his chest.
Touch my heart ... with your foot.
I - I may throw up!
CUT BACK TO: EXTERIOR. BEACH-DUSK It's now sunset, the water reflecting
the last light. The camera moves over the scene. The off screen voices
of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the camera always one step
ahead of them.
He was creepy.
Yeah, I - I think you're pretty lucky I came along.
[Laughing] Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!
La-de-da. If I - if anyone had ever told me that I would be taking
out a girl who used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .
Oh, that's right. That you really like those New York girls.
Well, no ... not just, not only.
Oh, I'd say so. You married -
CUT TO: INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT A cocktail party is in
progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and Robin make their
way through the people. A waiter, carrying a tray, walks past them.
Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks
it of the tray first. There is much low-key chatter in the background.
[Off screen] - two of them.
There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh,
the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at
Yeah, two more chairs and they got a dining-room set.
Why are you so hostile?
[Sighing] 'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on television.
[Squinting] Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice to the host because
he's publishing my book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt. A Foul-Rag-and-Bone
They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her
arm draped in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.
[Taking Robin's hand] I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake
insights with people who work for Dysentery.
Oh, really? I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed
No jokes - these are friends, okay?
INT. BEDROOM Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks
game on television.
[Off screen] Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New York Knicks.
Robin enters the room, slamming the door.
Here you are. There's people out there.
Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead
fourteen points, and now ... [Clears his throat] they're ahead two
Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases trying
to stuff the ball through a hoop?
[Looking at Robin] What's fascinating is that it's physical. You know,
it's one thing about intellectuals, they prove that you can be absolutely
brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand
... [Clears his throat] the body doesn't lie, as - as we now know.
Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses her and
moves farther up on the bed.
Stop acting out.
She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out
No, it'll be great! It'll be great, be-because all those Ph.D.'s are
in there, you know, like ... discussing models of alienation and we'll
be in here, quietly humping.
He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.
Alvy, don't! You're using sex to express hostility.
"Why - why do you always r-reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic
categories?" [Clears his throat] he said as he removed her brassiere...
[Pulling away again] There are people out there from The New Yorker
magazine. My God! What would they think?
She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and moves
toward the door.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness.
Outside, a siren starts blaring.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Don't get upset!
Dammit! I was so close.
She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side. Alvy turns to
Jesus, last night it was some guy honking his car horn. I mean, the
city can't close down. You know, what - whatta yuh gonna do, h-have
'em shut down the airport, too? No more flights so we can have sex?
[Reaching over for her eyeglasses on the night table] I'm too tense.
I need a Valium. My analyst says I should live in the country and
not in New York.
Well, I can't li- We can't have this discussion all the time. The
country makes me nervous. There's ... You got crickets and it - it's
quiet ... there's no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, there's
the screens with the dead moths behind them, and... uh, yuh got the
- the Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry -
[Interrupting] Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's
the goddamn Valium?
She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.
Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can - we can start again.
My head is throbbing.
Oh, you got a headache!
I have a headache.
Oswald and ghosts.
He begins to get out of bed.
Where are you going?
Well, I'm - I'm gonna take another in a series of cold showers.
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