EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB. Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door of the locker room to the lobby. They are dressed in tennis whites. They walk toward the indoor court.

ROB

Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to the showers -

ALVY

Right, right, so g-get back to what we were discussing, the failure of the country to get behind New York City is - is anti-Semitism.

ROB

Max, the city is terribly worried.

ALVY

But the - I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin.

ROB

No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient out. Every time some group disagrees with you it's because of anti-Semitism.

ALVY

Don't you see? The rest of the country looks upon New York like we're - we're left-wing Communist Jewish homosexual pornographers. I think of us that way, sometimes, and I - I live here.

ROB

Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day, in the sun.

ALVY

Sun is bad for yuh. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat, college ...

INT. TENNIS COURT Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding tennis rackets and balls. They are chattering and giggling.

ANNIE

[Laughing] I know, but ooh - here he comes. Okay.

Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women. Rob kisses Janet and makes introduction.

ROB

You know Alvy?

JANET

Oh, hi, Alvy.

ANNIE

[To Rob] How are yuh?

ROB

[To Alvy] You know Annie?

JANET

I'm sorry. This is Annie Hall.

ALVY

Hi.

ANNIE

Hi. Annie and Alvy shake hands.

JANET

[Laughing] Alvy.

ROB

[Eager to begin] Who's playing who here? Alvy Well, uh ... you and me against them?

ANNIE

[Overlapping Alvy] Well ... so ... I can't play too good, you know.

JANET

[Laughing] I've had four lessons!

The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie moving to the other side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing where they are. They start to play mixed doubles, each taking turns and playing well. At one point in the game, Annie starts to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward her.

ANNIE

[Hitting the ball back] Holy gods!

INT. LOBBY Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag. One knee is on the bench and his back is turned from the entrance. Annie walks toward the entrance door dressed in street clothes and carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder. Seeing Alvy, she stops and turns.

ANNIE

Hi. Hi, hi.

ALVY

[Looking over his shoulder] Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.

ANNIE

[Hands clasped in front of her, smiling] Well, bye.

She laughs and backs up slowly toward the door.

ALVY

[Clearing his throat] You - you play ... very well.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah? So do you. Oh, God, whatta - [Making sounds and laughing] whatta dumb thing to say, right? I mean, you say it, "You play well," and right away ... I have to say well. Oh, oh ... God, Annie. [She gestures with her hand] Well ... oh, well ... la-de-da, la-de-da, la-la.

She turns around and moves toward the door.

ALVY

[Still looking over his shoulder] Uh ... you - you wanna lift?

ANNIE

[Turning and aiming her thumb over her shoulder] Oh, why - uh ... y-y-you gotta car?

ALVY

No, um ... I was gonna take a cab.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, no, I have a car.

ALVY

You have a car? [Annie smiles, hands folded in front of her] So ... [Clears his throat] I don't understand why ... if you have a car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?

ANNIE

I don't ... [Laughing] I don't ... Geez, I don't know, I've ... I wa- this ... yeah, I got this VW out there ... [Laughing and gesturing toward the door] What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift?

ALVY

[Zipping up his bag] Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?

ANNIE

Me? Oh, downtown!

ALVY

Down - I'm - I'm goin' uptown.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.

ALVY

Uh, well, you just said you were going downtown.

ANNIE

Yeah, well, I'm, but I ...

Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns his bag around, the handle of the tennis racket hits Annie between the legs.

ALVY

[Laughing] So sorry.

ANNIE

[Laughing] I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live uptown, but ... uh, what the hell, I mean, it'd be nice having company, you know I mean, I hate driving alone.

ALVY

[Making sounds] Yeah.

They walk out the door.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street near the East River.

ALVY

So, how long do you know Janet? Where do you know her from?

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, I'm in her acting class.

ALVY

Oh - you're an actress.

ANNIE

Well, I do commercials, sort of ...

She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way. A horn blows.

ALVY

I, uh ... well, you're not from New York, right?

ANNIE

No, Chippewa Falls.

ALVY

Right! [A pause] Where?

ANNIE

Wisconsin.

ALVY

[Finally reacting] Uh, you're driving a -

ANNIE

Uh, don't worry, I'm a very - [A car moves closer to the VW, almost on top of it in the wrong direction. Annie swerves away at the very last minute] - a very good driver. [Alvy rubs his head nervously, staring out the window as Annie speeds along] So, listen - hey, you want some gum, anyway?

Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.

ALVY

No, no thanks. Hey, don't -

ANNIE

Well, where is it? I -

ALVY

No, no, no, no, you just ... just watch the road. I'll get it -

ANNIE

Okay.

They both fumble around in her pocketbook. Alvy looks up to see the entire front of a truck in Annie's windshield. She swerves just in time.

ALVY

- for yuh.

ANNIE

Okay, that's good.

Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down the city streets.

ANNIE

All right.

ALVY

I'll getcha a piece.

ANNIE

Yeah ... so, listen - you drive?

ALVY

Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta - I gotta problem with driving.

ANNIE

Oh, you do?

ALVY

Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but I have too much hostility.

ANNIE

Oh, right.

ALVY

Nice car.

ANNIE

[A bit rapidly] Huh?

ALVY

You keep it nice. [He pulls a half-eaten sandwich out of her bag] Can I ask you, is this - is this a sandwich?

ANNIE

Huh? Oh, yeah.

EXT. STREET - DAY Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds the corner.

ANNIE

I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space!

With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the parking spot. Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his shoulder as he leaves the car.

ALVY

That's okay, you ... we - we can walk to the curb from here.

ANNIE

Don't be funny.

ALVY

You want your tennis stuff?

ANNIE

Huh? Oh ... yeah.

ALVY

You want your gear? Here you go.

Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis equipment. He hands her her things. People pass by on the street.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well ...

ALVY

[Sighing] Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're a wonderful tennis player.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh.

Alvy shakes hands with Annie.

ALVY

You're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life . . . that's including any place ... the worst ... Europe, United ... any place ... Asia.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Yeah.

ALVY

And I love what you're wearin'.

Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.

ANNIE

Oh, you do? Yeah? Oh, well, it's uh ... this is, uh ... this tie is a present, from Grammy Hall.

Annie flips the bottom of the tie.

ALVY

Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?

ANNIE

[Laughing and nodding her head] Yeah, my grammy.

ALVY

You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?

ANNIE

[Laughing] Yeah, I know.

ALVY

Your grammy!

ANNIE

I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?

ALVY

Jesus, my - my grammy ... n-never gave gifts, you know. She - she was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Well ...

ALVY

Well ... thank you again.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah, yeah.

ALVY

I'll see yuh.

ANNIE

[Overlapping, gesturing] Hey, well, listen ... hey, you wanna come upstairs and, uh ... and have a glass of wine and something? Aw, no, I mean ... I mean, you don't have to, you're probably late and everything else ...

ALVY

No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.

ANNIE

You sure?

ALVY

[Overlapping] No, I got time.

ANNIE

Okay.

ALVY

Sure, I got ... I got nothing, uh, nothing till my analyst's appointment.

They move toward Annie's apartment building.

ANNIE

Oh, you see an analyst?

ALVY

Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.

ANNIE

Fifteen years?

ALVY

Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.

ANNIE

Fifteen - aw, come on, you're . . . yeah, really?

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment. There are lots of books, framed photographs on the white wall. A terrace can be seen from the window. He picks up a copy of Ariel, by Sylvia Plath, as Annie comes out of the kitchen carrying two glasses. She hands them to Alvy.

ALVY

Sylvia Plath.

ANNIE

M'hm ...

ALVY

Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic, by the college-girl mentality.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah.

ALVY

Oh, sorry.

ANNIE

Right. Well, I don't know, I mean, uh, some of her poems seem - neat, you know.

ALVY

Neat?

ANNIE

Neat, yeah.

ALVY

Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen seventy-five, you know that "neat" went out, I would say, at the turn of the century. [Annie laughs] Who - who are - who are those photos on the wall?

ANNIE

[Moving over to the photographs] Oh ... oh, well, you see now now, uh, that's my dad, that's Father - and that's my ... brother, Duane.

ALVY

Duane?

ANNIE

[Pointing] Yeah, right, Duane - and over there is Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.

ALVY

Well, who's Sadie?

ANNIE

Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie... [Laughing] Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through Grammy's brother George. Uh, George was real sweet, you know, he had that thing. What is that thing where you, uh, where you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, you know-what is it? Uh ...

ALVY

Uh, narcolepsy.

ANNIE

Narcolepsy, right, right. Right. So, anyway, so ... [Laughing] George, uh, went to the union, see, to get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the union always gave George this big turkey at Christmas time because he was ... [Annie points her fingers to each side of her head, indicating George was a little crazy] shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the First World War. [Laughing hysterically, she opens a cabinet door and takes out a bottle of wine] Anyway, so, so ... [Laughing through the speech] George is standing in line, oh, just a sec ...uh, getting his free turkey, but the thing is, he falls asleep and he never wakes up. So, so ... [Laughing] so, he's dead ... [Laughing] he's dead. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well, terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty unfortunate.

Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her speech.

ALVY

Yeah, it's a great story, though, I mean, I ... I ... it really made my day. Hey, I think I should get outta here, you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing, you know ...

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, really? Oh, well ... uh, uh, maybe, uh, maybe, we, uh ...

ALVY

... and ... uh, yeah, uh ... uh, you know, I - I - I...

They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the glasses, Annie the wine. They stand in front of the railing, Annie pouring the wine into the held-out glasses.

ANNIE

Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.

ALVY

No, I know, but ... but, you know, I'm all perspired and everything.

ANNIE

Well, didn't you take, uh ... uh, a shower at the club?

ALVY

Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower in a public place.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Why not?

ALVY

'Cause I don't like to get naked in front of another man, you know - it's, uh ...

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, I see, I see.

ALVY

You know, I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -

ANNIE

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess -

ALVY

-'cause, uh, you never know what's gonna happen.

ANNIE

[Sipping her wine and laughing] Fifteen years, huh?

ALVY

Fifteen years, yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah. Oh, God bless!

They put their glasses together in a toast.

ALVY

God bless.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Well, uh ... [Pausing] You're what Grammy Hall would call a real Jew.

ALVY

[Clearing his throat] Oh, thank you.

ANNIE

[Smiling] Yeah, well ... you - she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money, but let me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah, is she ever. I'm tellin' yuh.

ALVY

[pointing toward the apartment after a short pause] So, did you do shoot the photographs in there or what?

ANNIE

[Nodding, her hand on her hip] Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know.

Annie's thoughts pop on the screen as she talks:

I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk!

ALVY

They're ... they're ... they're wonderful, you know. They have ... they have, uh ... a ... a quality.

As do Alvy's:

You are a great-looking girl.

ANNIE

Well, I - I - I would - I would like to take a serious photography course soon.

Again, Annie's thoughts pop on:

He probably thinks I'm a yo-yo.

ALVY

Photography's interesting, 'cause, you know, it's - it's a new art form, and a, uh, a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet.

And Alvy's:

I wonder what she looks like naked?

ANNIE

Aesthetic criteria? You mean, whether it's, uh, good photo or not?

I'm not smart enough for him. Hang in there.

ALVY

The - the medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. That's -

I don't know what I'm saying - she senses I'm shallow.

ANNIE

Well, well, I ... to me - I ... I mean, it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you know. I mean, I just try to uh, feel it, you know? I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much.

God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a shmuck like the others.

ALVY

Still, still we - You need a set of aesthetic guide lines to put it in social perspective, I think.

Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax.

They're quiet for a moment, holding wine glasses and sipping. The sounds of distant traffic from the street can be heard on the terrace. Annie, laughing, speaks first.

ANNIE

Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess - I guess you must be sorta late, huh?

ALVY

You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon ... otherwise I - hey ... well, are you busy Friday night?

ANNIE

Me? Oh, uh. [Laughing] No.

ALVY

[Putting his band on his forehead] Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have something. Well, what about Saturday night?

ANNIE

[Nodding] Oh ... nothing. Not - no, no!

ALVY

Oh, you ... you're very popular, I can see.

ANNIE

[Laughing] I know.

ALVY

Gee, boy, what do you have? You have plague?

ANNIE

Well, I mean, I meet a lot of ... jerks, you know -

ALVY

Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.

ANNIE

[Overlapping] - what I mean?

ALVY I think that's, uh -

ANNIE

[Interrupting] But I'm thinking about getting some cats, you know, and then they ... Oh, wait a second - oh, no, no, I mean [Laughing] oh, shoot! No, Saturday night I'm gonna - [Laughing] gonna sing. Yeah.

ALVY

You're gonna sing? Do you sing?

ANNIE

Well, no, it isn't -

ALVY

[Overlapping] No kidding?

ANNIE

[Overlapping] - this is my first time.

ALVY

Oh, really? Where? I'd like to come.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

ALVY

No, I'm interested!

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, no - I mean, I'm just a-auditioning sort of at a club. I don't -

ALVY

[Overlapping] No, so help me.

ANNIE

[Overlapping] - it's my first time.

ALVY

That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what that's like. Listen -

ANNIE

[Interrupting] Yeah.

ALVY

[Overlapping] - you're gonna like night clubs, they're really a lotta fun.

INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Annie stands on center stage with a microphone, a pianist behind her. A Bright light is focused on her; the rest of the club is in darkness. There are the typical sounds and movements of a nightclub audience: low conversation, curling smoke, breaking glass, microphone bum, moving chairs, waiters clattering trays, a ringing phone as Annie sings "It Had to Be You".

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT. Alvy and Annie walk quickly down the sidewalk.

ANNIE

I was awful. I'm so ashamed! I can't sing.

ALVY

Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad restless.

ANNIE

Whatta you mean, a tad restless? Oh, my God, I mean, they hated me.

ALVY

No, they didn't. You have a wonderful voice.

ANNIE

No, I'm gonna quit!

ALVY

No, I'm not gonna letcha. You have a great voice.

ANNIE

Really, do you think so, really?

ALVY

Yeah!

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

It's terrific.

ANNIE

[Overlapping] Yeah, you know something? I never even took a lesson, either.

They stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Alvy turns Annie around to face him.

ALVY

Hey, listen, listen.

ANNIE

What?

ALVY

Gimme a kiss.

ANNIE

Really?

ALVY

Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

And - and uh, there's gonna be all that tension. You know, we never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now we'll get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?

ANNIE

Oh, all right.

ALVY

And we'll digest our food better.

ANNIE

Okay.

ALVY

Okay?

ANNIE

Yeah.

They kiss.

ALVY

So now we can digest our food.

They turn and start walking again.

ANNIE

We can digest our -

ALVY

Okay. Yeah.

INT. DELI - NIGHT Annie and Alvy sit down in a booth. The deli is fairly well lit and crowded. Conversation, plates clattering, can be heard over the dialogue. The waiter comes over to them to take their order.

ALVY

[To the waiter] I'm gonna have a corned beef.

ANNIE

[To the waiter] Yeah ... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a pastrami on white bread with, uh, mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce. [Alvy involuntarily makes a face as the waiter leaves] Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you and, uh, were you depressed about that?

ALVY

Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't cure.

ANNIE

Oh. And your first wife was Allison?

ALVY

My first ... Yes, she was nice, but you know, uh, it was my fault. I was just ... I was too crazy.

ANNIE

Oh.

INT. DARKENED BEDROOM - NIGHT Alvy and Annie in bed together.

ANNIE

M'm, that was so nice. That was nice.

ALVY

As Balzac said ...

ANNIE

H'm?

ALVY

"There goes another novel." [They laugh] Jesus, you were great.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Yeah, I'm - I'm - I'm a wreck.

ANNIE

No. [She turns and looks at Alvy, then laughs] You're a wreck.

ALVY

Really. I mean it. I - I'll never play the piano again.

ANNIE

[Lighting a joint and laughing] You're really nuts. I don't know, you really thought it was good? Tell me.

ALVY

Good? I was -

ANNIE

[Overlapping] No.

ALVY

No, that was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Here, you want some?

ALVY

No, no, I - I - I, uh, I don't use any major hallucinogenics because I took a puff like five years ago at a party and -

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

- I tried to take my pants off over my head ... [Annie laughs] ... my ear.

ANNIE

Oh, I don't know, I don't really. I don't do it very often, you know, just sort of, er ... relaxes me at first.

ALVY

M'hm. [He pushes himself up from the bed and looks down at Annie] You're not gonna believe this, but -

ANNIE

What? What?

CUT TO: INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY Annie and Alvy browsing in crowded bookstore. Alvy, carrying two books, "Death and Western Thought" and "The Denial of Death", moves over to where Annie is looking.

ALVY

Hey?

ANNIE

H'm?

ALVY

I - I - I'm gonna buy you these books, I think, because I - I think you should read them. You know, instead of that cat book.

ANNIE

[Looking at the books Alvy is holding] That's, uh ... [Laughing] that's pretty serious stuff there.

ALVY

Yeah, 'cause I - I'm, you know, I'm, I'm obsessed with - with, uh, with death, I think. Big -

ANNIE

[Overlapping] Yeah?

ALVY

- big subject with me, yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah?

They move over to the cashier line.

ALVY

[Gesturing] I've a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out, you know. I - I - I feel that life is - is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

Those are the two categories ...

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

... you know, they're - the - the horrible would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal cases, you know?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

And blind people, crippled ...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I don't - don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's all. So - so when you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's - You're very lucky ... to be ... [Overlapping Annie's laughter] ... to be miserable.

ANNIE

Uh-huh.

EXT. PARK-DAY It's a beautiful sunny day in Central Park. People are sitting on benches, others strolling, some walking dogs. One woman stands feeding cooing pigeons. Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard off screen as they observe the scene before them. An older man and woman walk into view.

ALVY

Look, look at that guy.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

There's - there's - there's - there's Mr. When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there, you know? [Over Annie's laughter] He's the latest! just came back from the gin-rummy farm last night. He placed third.

ANNIE

[Laughing] M'hm. Yeah. Yeah.

The camera shows them sitting side by side relaxed on a bench.

ALVY

[Watching two men approach, one lighting a cigar] Look at these guys.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, that's hilarious. They're back from Fire Island. They're ... they're sort of giving it a chance - you know what I mean?

ANNIE

Oh! Italian, right?

ALVY

Yeah, he's the Mafia. Linen Supply Business or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?

ANNIE

[Laughing] Oh, yeah.

ALVY

No, I'm serious. [Over Annie's laughter] I just got my mustache wet.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?

ALVY

[As Truman Capote walks by]

And there's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest.

EXT. STREET-NIGHT Alvy and Annie walk almost in silhouette along the dock, the New York City skyline in the background. Alvy has his arm around Annie and they walk slowly. No one else is around.

ANNIE

You see, like you and I ...

ALVY

You are extremely sexy.

ANNIE

No, I'm not.

ALVY

Unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are. Because ... you know what you are? You're - you're polymorphously perverse.

ANNIE

Well, what does - what does that mean? I don't know what that is.

ALVY

Uh ... uh, you're - you're exceptional in bed because you got - you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch you.

ANNIE

Ooooh!

They stop walking. Holding Annie's arms, Alvy turns her to face him. The South Street Bridge, lit up for the night, is in the background.

ALVY

You know what I mean? Like the tip o' your nose, and if I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps ... you get excited.

ANNIE

Come on. [Laughing] Yeah. You know what? You know, I like you, I really mean it. I really do like you.

ALVY

You - do you love me?

ANNIE

Do I love you?

ALVY

That's the key question.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I know you've only known me a short while.

ANNIE

Well, I certainly ... I think that's very - Yeah, yeah ... [Laughing] yeah. Do you love me?

ALVY

I - uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word for what ...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

- I ... I love you. [Over Annie's laughter] You know I loave you, I - I luff you. [Over Annie's laughter] I - I have to invent - Of course I love you.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

[Putting his arms around her neck] Don't you think I do?

ANNIE

I dunno.

They kiss as a foghorn sounds in the distance.

INT. ALVY'S APARTMENT Alvy, somewhat distraught, is following Annie around his apartment, which is filled with boxes and suitcases, clothes and framed pictures. They both carry cartons.

ALVY

Whatta you mean? You're not gonna give up your own apartment, are you?

ANNIE

[Putting down the carton] Of course.

ALVY

Yeah, bu-bu-but why?

ANNIE

Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you, that's why.

ALVY

Yeah, but you - you got a nice apartment.

ANNIE

I have a tiny apartment.

ALVY

Yeah, I know it's small.

ANNIE

[Picking up the suitcases and walking into the bedroom] That's right, and it's got bad plumbing and bugs.

ALVY

[Picking up some pictures and following Annie into the bedroom] All right, granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs, but you - you say that like it's a negative thing. You know, bugs are - are - uh, entomology is a ... [Annie, reacting, tosses the suitcases and some loose clothing onto the bed. She sits down on the edge, looking away. Alvy walks in, pictures and carton in band, still talking] ... rapidly growing field.

ANNIE

You don't want me to live with you?

ALVY

How - I don't want you to live with me? How - whose idea was it?

ANNIE

Mine.

ALVY

Ye-ah. Was it ... it was yours actually, but, uh, I approved it immediately.

ANNIE

I guess you think that I talked you into something, huh? [putting pictures on the mantel]

ALVY

No - what, what ...? I ... we live together, we sleep together, we eat together. Jesus, you don't want it to be like we're married, do yuh?

He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and reaches in. He starts tossing books off screen.

ANNIE

[Looking up at Alvy] How is it any different?

ALVY

[Gesturing] It's different 'cause you keep your own apartment. [Holding a book, he starts walking around the room] Because you know it's there, we don't have to go to it, we don't have to deal with it, but it's like a - a - a free-floating life raft ... that we know that we're not married.

He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window seat.

ANNIE

[Still sitting on the bed] That little apartment is four hundred dollars a month, Alvy.

ALVY

[Looking at Annie] That place is four hundred dollars a month?

ANNIE

Yes, it is.

ALVY

[Whistling] It's - it's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus, I'll - my accountant will write it off as a tax deduction, I'll pay for it.

ANNIE

[Shaking her head] You don't think I'm smart enough to be serious about.

ALVY

Hey, don't be ridiculous.

Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.

ANNIE

Then why are you always pushing me to take those college courses like I was dumb or something?

ALVY

[Putting his hand to his forehead] 'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing. You meet a lotta interesting professors. You know, it's stimulating.

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse. The camera moves with them as they pass a house with a lighted window, blooming foliage. There is no dialogue, but it is a comfortable quiet. Classical music plays in the background.

CUT TO: INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom, is browsing through a school catalogue. Alvy lies in bed reading.

ANNIE [Reading] Does this sound like a good course? Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh, or, uh-let's see now ... maybe I should, uh, take "Introduction to the Novel."

ALVY

Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf.

ANNIE

What? [Laughing] Hey, listen, what - what do you think? Do you think we should, uh, go to that - that party in Southampton tonight?

Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.

ALVY

No, don't be silly. What - what do we need other people for? [He puts his arms around her neck, kissing her, Annie making muffled sounds] You know, we should - we should just turn out the lights, you know, and play hide and salam or something.

ANNIE

[Laughing] Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette, okay?

ALVY

[Yelling out to her as she leaves the room] Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday.

ANNIE

[Off screen] Well, have you ever made love high?

ALVY

Me, no. You ... I - I - you know, if I have grass or alcohol or anything I get unbearably wonderful. I get too, too wonderful for words. You know, I don't - I don't know why you have to, uh, get high every time we make love.

ANNIE

[Moving back into the room and lighting a joint] It relaxes me.

ALVY

Oh, you - you have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed?

ANNIE

[Closing the door] Well, what's the difference, anyway?

ALVY

Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, look who's talking. You've been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years. [She gets into bed and takes a puff of marijuana] You should smoke some o' this. You'd be off the couch in no time.

ALVY

Oh, come, you don't need that.

Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes the weed from her.

ANNIE

What are you doing?

ALVY

[Kissing her] No, no, no, what ... You can once, you can live without it once. Come on.

ANNIE

Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please. [Laughing and making sounds] M'mrnm.

ALVY

M'm, wait, I got a great idea. [He gets up and goes over to the closet, taking out a light bulb. He goes back to the bed and turns out the lamp on the night table] Hang in there for a second. I got a little-little artifact. A little erotic artifact, that - that I brought up from the city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect. [He turns the lamp back on, having replaced the bulb with the red one from the closet] I just ... there ... There's a little Olde New Orleans ... essence. Now - now we can go about our business here and we can even develop photographs if we want to. There, now there. [He undresses and crawls into bed, taking Annie in his arms] M'mmm. M'mmm. Hey, is something wrong?

ANNIE

Uh-uh-why?

ALVY

I don't know. You - it's like you're - you're removed.

ANNIE

No, I'm fine.

As Annie speaks, her inner self [ghostlike, moves up from the bed and] sits down on a chair, watching.

ALVY

Really?

ANNIE

Uh-huh.

ALVY

I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.

ANNIE

Let's just do it, all right?

ALVY

[Kissing and caressing Annie] Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions?

ANNIE'S SPIRIT

Alvy, do you remember where I put my drawing pad? Because while you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing.

ALVY

[Reacting] You see, that's what I call removed.

ANNIE

Oh, you have my body.

ALVY

Yeah, but that's not - that's no good. I want the whole thing.

ANNIE

[Sighing] Well, I need grass and so do you.

ALVY

Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass [Clearing his throat] because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian -

ANNIE

[Overlapping] M'hm.

ALVY

[Overlapping] - so if I get a laugh from a person who's high, it doesn't count. You know - 'cause they're always laughin'.

ANNIE

Were you always funny?

ALVY

Hey, what is this - an interview? We're supposed to be making love.

CUT TO: INT. OFFICE. A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office building. Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room. The agent, chewing a cigar, sits behind his desk talking to one of his clients, a comedian, who stands with his hands in his pockets. A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair nearby watching.

AGENT

This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you.

COMIC

[Buttoning his jacket] Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good. Well, lemme explain a little bit o' how I work. You know, you can tell right off the bat that I don't look like a funny guy when I come - you know, like some o' the guys that come out. You know, right away [Gesturing] they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're gonna fall down, but I gotta be really talented. Material's gotta be sensational for me 'cause I work, you know, with very, very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you know what I mean? Uh ... uh ... lemme explain. For instance, I open with an opening song. A musical start like [Ad-lib singing] and I walk out [Ad-lib singing] "Place looks wonderful from here, and you folks look wonderful from here!" [Singing] "And seein' you there - with a smile on your face - makes me shout - this must be the place!" Then I stop right in the middle and then I open with some jokes. Now, that's where I need you, right there. For instance, like I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada, you know, they speak a lotta French up there. The only way to remember Jeanne d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!" [He laughs. Seated Alvy looks up smiling] "Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."

ALVY'S VOICE

[To himself] Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

COMIC

[Overlapping above speech] ... big lumberjack ...

ALVY'S VOICE

[To himself while the comic continues his routine] Look at him mincing around, like he thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw up. If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. I'm in the wrong business, I know it.

COMIC

[Overlapping above speech] "Cherie, come back. I love you. [Shaking his lips and mimicking] But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this, uh?" He says, "Aw, Marie, sometime you make me so mad!" [Laughing] Oh, they scream at that. Now, write me somethin' like that, will yuh? Kinda French number, can yuh do it? Huh, kid?

INT. THEATER - NIGHT The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering, excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.

ALVY

[Gesturing] W-where am I? I - I keep ... I have to reorient myself. This is the University of Wisconsin, right? So I'm always ... I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a col- I've a very bad history with colleges. You know, I went to New York University and, uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me - [The audience laughs; they're with him] - and when I was thrown out, my mother, who's an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles. [More applause and laughter] And, uh, tsch, I was depressed. I was ... in analysis, I - I, uh, was suicidal; as a matter of fact, uh, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER. Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs. Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.

ANNIE

Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just great, I'm not kidding. It was - you were so neat.

ALVY

C-c-coll-college audiences are so wonderful.

ANNIE

Yeah. Yeah. And you know something? I think that I'm starting to get more of your references, too.

ALVY

Are yuh?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Well, the twelve o'clock show is completely different than the nine.

YOUNG WOMAN

[Interrupting] May I have your autograph?

ANNIE

[Overlapping above speech] Oh.

ALVY

[To Annie, while autographing] You're so sure about it.

ANNIE

Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to tomorrow. I mean, you know, I think that it'll be really nice to meet Mother and Father.

They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a flash camera as they walk through the crowd.

ALVY

Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately. [To one of his fans] Thank you.

ANNIE

No, I don't think so. No, I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. On the contrary, I think-

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

It's Easter. You know, we'll have a nice dinner, we'll sit down and eat. I think they're gonna really like you.

EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME - DAY The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green lawn, then cuts to:

INT. DINING ROOM. Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner. The sun is pouring through a big picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr. and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.

MOM HALL

[Holding her wine glass] It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.

ANNIE

[Smiling at Duane] Oh, yeah. Grammy always does such a good job.

DAD HALL

[Chewing] A great sauce.

ALVY

It is. [Smacking his lips] It's dynamite ham.

Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries not to notice.

MOM HALL

[To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair] We went over to the swap meet. Annie, Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

ANNIE

We really had a good time.

Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.

MOM HALL

[Lighting a cigarette and turning to Alvy] Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years.

ALVY

[Setting down his glass and coughing] Yes. I'm making excellent progress. Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning. Grammy continues to stare.

DAD HALL

Duane and I went out to the boat basin.

DUANE

We were caulkin' holes all day.

DAD HALL

Yeah. [Laughing] Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.

MOM HALL

Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir with you.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, yes.

Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.

ALVY

[To the audience] I can't believe this family. [Making chewing sounds] Annie's mother. She really's beautiful. And they're talkin' swap meets and boat basins, and the old lady at the end of the table [Pointing to Grammy] is a classic Jew hater. And, uh, they, they realty look American, you know, very healthy and ... like they never get sick or anything. Nothing like my family. You know, the two are like oil and water.

The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father, aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table. They eat quickly and interrupt one another loudly. On the left the Halls in their dining room. Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.

ALVY'S FATHER

Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his business?!

ALVY'S MOTHER

His wife has diabetes!

ALVY'S FATHER

Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse? Diabetes?

ALVY'S UNCLE

The man is fifty years old and doesn't have a substantial job.

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