| ALVY'S AUNT
[Putting more meat on her husband's plate] Is that a reason to steal
from his father?
ALVY'S UNCLE
Whatta you talkin' about? You don't know what you're talking about.
ALVY'S AUNT
Yes, I know what I'm talking about.
ALVY'S MOTHER
[Interrupting] George, defend him!
ALVY'S UNCLE
[Over Alvy's father's muttering] No, Moskowitz - he had a coronary.
ALVY'S AUNT
You don't say.
ALVY'S MOTHER
We fast.
MOM HALL
Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the Veterans' Hospital.
DAD HALL
My God, he's the new president of the El Regis. Let me tell you, the
man is somethin' else.
MOM HALL
That's Jack's wife. We used to make that outta raisins.
ANNIE
Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see the new play?
MOM HALL
Oh, you remember her, Annie.
ANNIE
Yes, I do.
The two families start talking back and forth to one another. The screen
is still split.
MOM HALL
How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs. Singer?
DAD HALL
Fast?
ALVY'S FATHER
Yeah, no food. You know, we have to atone for our sins.
MOM HALL
What sins? I don't understand.
ALVY'S FATHER
Tell you the truth, neither do we.
CUT TO: INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Duane, sitting on his bed, sees
Alvy walking past the open door.
DUANE
Alvy.
ALVY
[Walking in] Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?
DUANE
This is my room.
ALVY
[Looking around] Oh, yeah? [He clears his throat] Terrific.
DUANE
Can I confess something?
Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser. Duane's
face is lit by a single lamp.
DUANE
I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand. Sometimes
when I'm driving ... on the road at night ... I see two headlights coming
toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly,
head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound
of shattering glass. The ... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
ALVY
[Reacting and clearing his throat] Right. Tsch, well, I have to - I
have to go now, Duane, because I - I'm due back on the planet Earth.
He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.
INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM. Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room;
Annie is with them.
MOM HALL
Now, don't let it be so long, now.
ANNIE
No.
DAD HALL
And look up Uncle Bill, you promise.
ANNIE
Okay. Okay.
MOM HALL
Oh, he's adorable, Annie.
ANNIE
You think so? Do you really?
MOM HALL
We're going to take them to the airport.
DAD HALL
Oh, no - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink.
ANNIE
Yes, Duane is. I'll be right -
MOM HALL
M'mmm.
ANNIE
I just have time to get the, uh -
She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead. It
is raining very hard, the windshield wipers are moving quickly. The
headlights of another car brightens the interior of Duane's car as the
camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then Alvy tensely staring straight
ahead.
EXT. STREET - DAY The camera bolds on a quiet New York City street;
the buildings, brownstones. It's a warm day-people sit on front stoops,
window boxes are planted. Annie walks into the frame first, then Alvy,
who is walking to her right. They walk quickly, side by side, their
voices heard before they move into the frame.
ANNIE
[Off screen] You followed me. I can't believe it!
ALVY
[Off screen] I didn't follow you!
ANNIE
You followed me!
ALVY
Why? 'Cause I ... was walkin' along a block behind you staring at you?
That's not following!
ANNIE
Well, what is your definition of following?
ALVY
[Gasping] Following is different. I was spying.
ANNIE
Do you realize how paranoid you are?
ALVY
Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You got your arms around another guy.
ANNIE
That is the worst kind of paranoia.
ALVY
Yeah - well, I didn't start out spying. I - I thought I'd surprise yuh.
Pick you up after school.
ANNIE
Yeah - well, you wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember?
It's your phrase.
ALVY
Oh, stop it. But you were having an affair with your college professor.
That jerk that teaches that incredible crap course "Contemporary Crisis
in Western Man"!
ANNIE
"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"! You're really close.
ALVY
What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.
ANNIE
[Stopping for a moment] Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject
you know something about!
She walks away.
ALVY
[Catching up to her] Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone
I love.
ANNIE
[Continuing to walk quickly] We're not having an affair. He's married.
He just happens to think I'm neat.
ALVY
[Still walking next to her] "Neat"! There's that - What are you - twelve
years old? That's one o' your Chippewa Falls expressions! "He thinks
I'm neat."
ANNIE
Who cares? Who cares?
ALVY
Next thing you know he'll find you keen and peachy, you know? Next thing
you know he's got his hand on your ass!
They both stop in the middle of the street.
ANNIE
You've always had hostility toward David ever since I mentioned him!
ALVY
David? You call your teacher David?
ANNIE
It's his name.
ALVY
Well, listen, that's, a nice bi- it's a biblical name. Right? W-What
does he call you? Bathsheba?
He walks away.
ANNIE
[Calling after him] Alvy! Alvy! You're the one who never wanted to make
a real commitment. You don't think I'm smart enough! We had that argument
just last month, or don't you remember that day?
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN. Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen
cuts to the scene of last month's argument. Annie's voice is heard.
ANNIE
[Off screen] I'm home!
ALVY
[Turning] Oh, yeah? How'd it go?
ANNIE
[Comes into the kitchen and puts down a bag of groceries on the kitchen
table] Oh, it was ... [Laughing] really weird. But she's a very nice
woman.
ALVY
Yeah?
ANNIE
And I didn't have to lie down on the couch, Alvy, she had me sitting
up. So I told her about - about the - the family and about my feelings
toward men and about my relationship with my brother.
ALVY
M'm.
ANNIE
And then she mentioned penis envy ... Did you know about that?
ALVY
Me? I'm - I'm one of the few males who suffers from that, so, so ...
you know.
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
G-go on, I'm interested.
ANNIE
Well, she said that I was very guilty about my impulses toward marriage,
and - and children.
ALVY
M'hm.
ANNIE
And then I remembered when I was a kid how I accidentally saw my parents
making love.
ALVY
Tsch. Rea- all this happened in the first hour?
ANNIE
M'hm.
ALVY
That's amazing. I - I - I ... I've been goin' for fifteen years, I -
you know, I don't got ... nothing like that in -
ANNIE
Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.
ALVY
You cried? I've never once cried. Fantastic ...
ANNIE
[Taking groceries from the bag] Yeah.
ALVY
I whine. I - I - I sit and I whine.
ANNIE
In - in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank Sinatra is holding his pillow across
my face and I can't breathe.
ALVY
Sinatra?
ANNIE
Yeah, and he's strangling me ...
ALVY
Yeah?
ANNIE
... and I keep, you know, it's -
ALVY
[Taking a bottle of juice and some celery from the bag] Well, well,
sure ... because he's a singer and you're a singer, you know, so it's
perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself. It - it makes perfect
sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic ... kind of insight.
ANNIE
[Pointing her finger at Alvy] She said, your name was Alvy Singer.
ALVY
[Turning to Annie] Whatta you mean? Me?
ANNIE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.
ALVY
[Putting his band to his mouth] Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra
had glasses. So whatta you saying that I - I'm suffocating you?
ANNIE
[Turning, ajar in her hand] Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really
terrible thing to him. Because then when he sang it was in this real
high-pitched voice.
ALVY
[Thinking] Tsch, what'd the doctor say?
ANNIE
[Putting away some groceries] Well, she said that I should probably
come five times a week. And you know something? I don't think I mind
analysis at all. The only question is, Will it change my wife?
ALVY
Will it change your wife?
ANNIE
Will it change my life?
ALVY
Yeah, but you said, "Will it change my wife"!
ANNIE No, I didn't. [Laughing] I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.
ALVY
You said, "Will it change. . ." WIFE. Will it change ...
ANNIE
[Y
elling out, angry] Life. I said LIFE!
Alvy turns toward the camera.
ALVY
[To the audience] She said, "Will it change my wife." You heard that
because you were there so I'm not crazy.
ANNIE
And, Alvy ... and then I told her about how I didn't think you'd ever
really take me seriously, because you don't think that I'm smart enough.
She walks out of the room.
ALVY
[To Annie's back, gesturing] Why do you always bring that up? Because
I encourage you to take adult-education courses? I think it's a wonderful
thing. You meet wonderful, interesting professors.
CUT TO: EXT. STREET Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next
to her gesturing as people and cars move by.
ALVY
Adult education is such junk! The professors are so phony. How can you
do it?
ANNIE
[A bit rapidly] I don't care what you say about David, he's a perfectly
fine teacher!
ALVY
[Interrupting] David! David! I can't believe this!
ANNIE
And what are you doing following me around for, anyway?
ALVY
I'm following you and David, if you -
ANNIE
[Interrupting] I just think we oughta call this relationship quits!
Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.
ALVY
That's fine. That's fine. That's great! [He turns toward the camera
as the cab drives away] Well, I don't know what I did wrong. [Gesturing]
I mean, I can't believe this. Somewhere she cooled off to me! [He walks
up to an older woman walking down the street carrying groceries] Is
it - is it something that I did?
WOMAN ON THE STREET
Never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades.
She moves on down the street.
ALVY
[Scratching his head] Love fades. God, that's a depressing thought.
Have to ask you a question. [He stops another passer-by, a man] Don't
go any further. Now, with your wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind
o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?
MAN ON THE STREET
We use a large vibrating egg.
He walks on.
ALVY
[Continuing to walk] Large vibrating egg. Well, I ask a psychopath,
I get that kind of an answer. Jesus, I - I, uh, here ... [He moves up
the sidewalk to a young trendy-looking couple, arms wrapped around each
other] You-you look like a really happy couple. Uh, uh ... are you?
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah.
ALVY
Yeah! So ... so h-h-how do you account for it?
YOUNG WOMAN
Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting
to say.
YOUNG MAN
And I'm exactly the same way.
ALVY
I see. Well, that's very interesting. So you've managed to work out
something, huh?
YOUNG MAN
Right.
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah.
ALVY
Oh, well, thanks very much for talking to me.
He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street.
A mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse,
as if to speak.
ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
You know, even as a kid I always went for the wrong women. I think that's
my problem. When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell
in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and
the Seven Dwarfs. The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace
before her mirror. Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms
crossed in front of him.
WICKED QUEEN
We never have any fun anymore.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
How can you say that?
WICKED QUEEN
Why not? You're always leaning on me to improve myself.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
You're just upset. You must be getting your period.
WICKED QUEEN
I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character. Can't I be upset once
in a while?
Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of
the Wicked Queen.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB
Max, will you forget about Annie? I know lots of women you can date.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
I don't wanna go out with any other women.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB
Max, have I got a girl for you. You are going to love her. She's a reporter
-
The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the
screen dissolves into the interior of a concert ball. Rob's voice carries
over from the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female
reporter. It's very crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere.
Alvy stands with his hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER
- for Rolling Stone.
FEMALE REPORTER
I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were
to see the Dylan concert. I covered the Dylan concert ... which gave
me chills. Especially when he sang "She takes just like a woman / And
she makes love just like a woman / Yes, she does / And she aches just
like a woman / But she breaks just like a little girl." [They move toward
the aisles as a guard holds up his hands to stop them] Up to that I
guess the most charismatic event I covered was Mick's Birthday when
the Stones played Madison Square Garden.
ALVY
[Laughing] Man, that's great. That's just great.
REPORTER
You catch Dylan?
ALVY
[Coughing] Me? No, no. I - I couldn't make it that night ... my - my
raccoon had hepatitis.
REPORTER
You have a raccoon?
ALVY
[Gesturing] Tsch, a few.
REPORTER
The only word for this is trans-plendid. It's trans-plendid.
ALVY
I can think of another word.
REPORTER
He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's got millions of followers who
would crawl all the way across the world just to touch the hem of his
garment.
ALVY
Really? It must be a tremendous hem.
REPORTER
I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
ALVY
Are you?
REPORTER
Yeah.
ALVY
I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.
Look - [The Maharisbi, a small, chunky man, walks out of the men's room,
huge bodyguards flanking him while policemen bold back the crowds] there's
God coming outta the men's room.
REPORTER
It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was at the Stones concert in Altamount
when they killed that guy, remember?
ALVY
Yeah, were yuh? I was - I was at an Alice Cooper thing where six people
were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.
INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted
cigarette in her hand. Alvy, lying next to her, rubs his eyes and puts
on his eyeglasses.
REPORTER
[Looking down at him] I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish.
ALVY
[Sighing] Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't be silly. You know,
[Yawning] I'm startin' to - I'm startin' to get some feeling back in
my jaw now.
REPORTER
Oh, sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience.
ALVY
Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.
REPORTER
I mean that as a compliment.
ALVY
[Making sounds] I think - I think there's too much burden placed on
the orgasm, you know, to make up for empty areas in life.
REPORTER
Who said that?
ALVY
[Rubbing his chin and shoulder] Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have
been Leopold and Loeb. [The telephone rings. Alvy picks it up, rising
up slightly from the bed, concerned, as he talks] Hello. Oh, hi ...
Uh, no, what - what's the matter? What - what - what? You sound terrible
... No, what - sure I - whatta yuh - what kind of an emergency? ...
No, well, stay there. Stay there, I'll come over right now. I'll come
over right now. Just stay there, I'll come right over.
He hangs up. The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.
INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes
to open the door to Alvy's knock.
ALVY
What's - it's me, open up.
ANNIE
[Opening the door] Oh.
ALVY
Are you okay? What's the matter? [They look at each other, Annie sighing]
Are you all right? What -
ANNIE
There's a spider in the bathroom.
ALVY
[Reacting] What?
ANNIE
There's a big black spider in the bathroom.
ALVY
That's what you got me here for at three o'clock in the morning, 'cause
there's a spider in the bathroom?
ANNIE
My God, I mean, you know how I am about insects.
ALVY
[Interrupting, sighing] Oooh.
ANNIE
- I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around in the bathroom.
ALVY
Kill it! For Go- what's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid
in the house?
ANNIE
[Shaking her head] No.
Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the
living room.
ALVY
[Sighing] I told you a thousand times you should always keep, uh, a
lotta insect spray. You never know who's gonna crawl over.
ANNIE
[Following him] I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and a fire extinguisher.
ALVY
Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine. I - 'cause I'm a little tired. [While
Annie goes of to find him a magazine, Alvy, still talking, glances around
the apartment. He notices a small book on a cabinet and picks it up.]
You know, you, you joke with - about me, you make fun of me, but I'm
prepared for anything. An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake. Hey,
what is this? What? Did you go to a rock concert?
ANNIE
Yeah.
ALVY
Oh, yeah, really? Really? How - how'd you like it? Was it - was it,
I mean, did it ... was it heavy? Did it achieve total heaviosity? Or
was it, uh...
ANNIE
It was just great!
ALVY
[Thumbing through the book] Oh, humdinger. When - well, I got a wonderful
idea. Why dontcha get the guy who took you to the rock concert, we'll
call him and he can come over and kill the spider. You know, it's a
-
He tosses the book down on the cabinet.
ANNIE
I called you. You wanna help me ... or not? H'h? Here.
She hands him a magazine.
ALVY
[Looking down at the magazine] What is this? What are you, since when
do you read the National Review? What are you turning into?
ANNIE
[Turning to a nearby chair for some gum in her pocketbook] Well, I like
to try to get all points of view.
ALVY
It's wonderful. Then why dontcha get William F. Buckley to kill the
spider?
ANNIE
[Spinning around to face him] Alvy, you're a little hostile, you know
that? Not only that, you look thin and tired.
She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.
ALVY
Well, I was in be- it's three o'clock in the morning. You, uh, you got
me outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it
was an emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up the stairs. Hell - I was
a lot more attractive when the evening began. Look, uh, tell - whatta
you - are you going with a right-wing rock-and roll star? Is that possible?
ANNIE
[Sitting down on a chair arm and looking up at Alvy] Would you like
a glass of chocolate milk?
ALVY
Hey, what am I -your son? Whatta you mean? I - I came over -
ANNIE
[Touching his chest with her hand] I got the good chocolate, Alvy.
ALVY
Yeah, where is the spider?
ANNIE
It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.
ALVY
Is he in the bathroom?
ANNIE
[Rising from chair] Hey, don't squish it, and after it's dead, flush
it down the toilet, okay? And flush it a couple o' times.
ALVY
[Moving down the hallway to the bathroom] Darling, darling, I've been
killing spiders since I was thirty, okay?
ANNIE
[Upset, hands on her neck] Oh. What?
ALVY
[Coming back into the living room] Very big spider.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
Two ... yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble. There's two of 'em.
Alvy starts walking down the hall again, Annie following.
ANNIE
Two?
ALVY
[Opening a closet door] Yep. I didn't think it was that big, but it's
a major spider. You got a broom or something with a -
ANNIE
Oh, I - I left it at your house.
ALVY
[Overlapping] - snow shovel or anything or something.
ANNIE
[Overlapping] I think I left it there, I'm sorry.
Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.
ALVY
[Holding the racquet] Okay, let me have this.
ANNIE
Well, what are you doing ... what are you doing with -
ALVY
Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.
He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.
ANNIE
Well, okay. Oooh.
Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band,
rolled magazine in the other. He looks over at the shelf above the sink
and picks up a small container. He holds it out, shouting off screen
to Annie.
ALVY
Hey, what is this? You got black soap?
ANNIE
[Off screen] It's for my complexion.
ALVY
Whatta - whatta yuh joining a minstrel show? Geez. [Alvy turns and starts
swapping the racquet over the shelf, knocking down articles and breaking
glass] Don't worry! [He continues to swat the racquet all over the bathroom.
He finally moves out of the room, hands close to his body. He walks
into the other room, where Annie is sitting in a corner of her bed leaning
against the wall] I did it! I killed them both. What - what's the matter?
Whatta you - [Annie is sobbing, her band over her face] - whatta you
sad about? You - what'd you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate
'em?
ANNIE
[Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm] Oh, don't go, okay? Please.
ALVY
[Sitting down next to her] Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta - whatta
- what's the matter? Whatta you expecting - termites? What's the matter?
ANNIE
[Sobbing] Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.
She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her
shoulder and leans back against the wall.
ALVY
Oh, Jesus, really?
ANNIE
[Leaning on his shoulder] Oh, yeah. Oh. [They kiss] Oh! Alvy?
ALVY
What?
He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.
ANNIE
Was there somebody in your room when I called you?
ALVY
W-w-whatta you mean?
ANNIE
I mean was there another - I thought I heard a voice.
ALVY
Oh, I had the radio on.
ANNIE
Yeah?
ALVY
I'm sorry. I had the television set ... I had the television -
ANNIE
Yeah.
Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.
CUT TO: INT. ALVY'S BED Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning
on her elbow looking down at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.
ANNIE
Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't wanna be apart.
ALVY
Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too mature for something like that.
ANNIE
Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
ALVY
It's all right for me, it's been terrific, you know? Better than either
one of my marriages. See, 'cause . . . 'cause there's just something
different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.
ANNIE
[Snickering] You know I think that if you let me, maybe I could help
you have more fun, you know? I mean, I know it's hard and ... yeah.
ALVY
I don't know.
ANNIE
Alvy, what about ... what if we go away this weekend, and we could -
ALVY
Tsch, why don't we get ... why don't we get Rob, and the three of us'll
drive into Brooklyn, you know, and we show you the old neighborhood.
ANNIE
Okay, okay. Okay.
ALVY
That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think -
ANNIE
Yeah.
Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.
EXT. HIGHWAY Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her,
Alvy in the back seat leaning forward so that his head is between them.
They're driving down the highway.
ANNIE
- me, my God, it's a great day!
ALVY
[Interrupting] Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch the -
ROB
[Overlapping] Yeah, watch the road!
ALVY
You'll total the whole car.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Hey, you know, I never even visited Brooklyn before.
ROB
I can't wait to see the old neighborhood.
ALVY
Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.
ROB
We can show her the schoolyard.
ALVY
Right. I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max, I was the best, I was all
schoolyard.
ROB
Yes, I remember. [Annie laughs] He was all schoolyard. They threw him
a football once, he tried to dribble it.
ALVY
Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK. Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster
on the screen. The area's deserted. Sea gulls are heard.
ALVY
Oh, look, look, there's that ... that's - that's my old house. That's
where I used to live.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Holy cow!
ROB
You're lucky, Max - where I used to live is now a pornographic equipment
store.
Annie laughs.
ALVY
I have some very good memories there.
ROB
What kind of good memories, Max? Your mother and father fighting all
the time.
ALVY
Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things.
FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S HOUSE. Alvy's father sits in his chair. His
mother is polishing a door while Alvy lies on the floor playing. Annie,
adult Alvy and Rob quietly walk into the scene to watch.
ALVY'S FATHER
You fired the cleaning woman?
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was stealing.
ALVY'S FATHER
But she's colored.
ALVY'S MOTHER
SO?
ALVY'S FATHER
So the colored have enough trouble.
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was going through my pocketbook!
ALVY'S FATHER
They're persecuted enough!
ALVY'S MOTHER
Who's persecuting? She stole!
Alvy's father gets up and gets his hard hat. He sits back down and starts
polishing it.
ALVY'S FATHER
All right - so we can afford it.
ALVY'S MOTHER
How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more?
ALVY'S FATHER
She's a colored woman, from Harlem! She has no money! She's got a right
to steal from us! After all, who is she gonna steal from if not us?
ADULT ALVY
[Yelling into the scene] You're both crazy!
ROB
They can't hear you, Max.
ALVY'S MOTHER
Leo ... I married a fool!
ROB
[Pointing] Hey, Max! Who's that?
As the three friends watch Alvy's old living room, the scene has suddenly
shifted. A huge crowd stands around the room, laughing, eating, chatting
and vibrating with the turns of the roller-coaster ride.
YOUNG ALVY
It - it - it's the welcome-home party in 1945 for my cousin Herbie ...
ADULT ALVY
[Pointing] Look, look, there's - there's that one over there, that's
Joey Nichols, he was my - [Young Alvy stands next to Joey Nichols, who's
sitting in one of the easy chairs. They smile at each other; people
and noise all around] -father's friend. He was always bothering me when
I was a kid.
JOEY
Joey Nichols. [Laughing] See. Nichols. See, Nichols! [Joey shows young
Alvy his cuff links and a tie pin, which are made from nickels, as Alvy
stands with hands on hips, unconcerned. Joey then slaps his band to
his forehead and puts a nickel on his forehead] Yuh see, nickels! You
can always remember my name, just think of Joey Five Cents. [Laughing]
That's me. Joey Five Cents!
Joey grabs Alvy's cheeks and pinches them.
YOUNG ALVY
[Turning away] What an asshole!
A group of women stands near a buffet table eating and listening to
Alvy mother and her sister, Tessie, and a young girl, as the three friends
watch.
ALVY'S MOTHER
I was always the sister with good common sense. But Tessie was always
the one with personality. When she was younger, they all wanted to marry
Tessie.
She touches Tessie's shoulder. Tessie starts to laugh.
ADULT ALVY
[Pointing, to Rob] Do you believe that, Max? Tessie Moskowitz had the
personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
ALVY'S MOTHER
[To the young girl] She was once a great beauty.
Tessie nods her head "yes."
ROB
Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.
TESSIE
[Addressing the young girl] I was a great beauty.
ROB
Uh, how did this personality come about?
TESSIE
[Grabbing the young girl's cheek] I was very charming.
ROB
There were many men interested in you?
TESSIE
[To the young girl] Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
Tessie gyrates back and forth imitating a dancer while Annie and the
adult Alvy lean on each other laughing.
ROB
[Laughing] That's pretty hard to believe.
EXT. STREET. Alvy and Annie walk contentedly down a street; Alvy's arm
is draped around Annie. People walk by them on the street as they move
toward their apartment building.
ANNIE
Well, I had a really good day, you know that? It was just a real fine
way to spend my birthday.
ALVY
Ah? Oh, well, your birthday's not till tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell
yuh.
ANNIE
Yeah, but it's real close.
ALVY
Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Oh, darn it.
INT. APARTMENT Annie and Alvy sit on the sofa. Annie's unwrapping a
gift while Alvy watches.
ANNIE
[Making sounds] This is - [making sounds] Huh?
She pulls out flimsy black lingerie from the box.
ALVY
Happy birthday.
ANNIE
What is this? Is this a ... present? [Laughing] Are you kidding?
ALVY
Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?
ANNIE
Uh, yeah, uh ... t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but
it's -
ALVY
Try it ... it'll add years to our sex life.
ANNIE
[Looking up at Alvy and laughing] Uh huh. Yeah. Forget it.
Alvy leans over and hands her another box as she puts down the lingerie.
ALVY
Here's a real present.
ANNIE
[Opening the gift] What ... huh?
ALVY
Check it out.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? [continuing] Let me see. Okay, let's
... oooh, God! [She takes out a watch from the box] Oh, you knew I wanted
this ... [Laughing] God, it's terrific, God!
ALVY
[Making sounds] Yeah, I know. Just - just put on the watch, and-and
... that thing, and we'll just ...
ANNIE
[Laughing] Oh! My God! [Making sounds]
Alvy kisses Annie.
INT. NIGHT CLUB. Annie, spotlighted onstage, stands in front of the
microphone, smiling. She looks downward and sings "Seems Like Old Times.
" The audience applauds loudly as the music fades out.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Thank you.
Alvy sits at the bar, clapping and staring at Annie as she walks over
to him and sits down. The low murmur of the night club is surrounding
them.
ALVY
[Reacting] You were - you were sensational. I mean, I - you know, I
- I told yuh that if yuh stuck to it, you would be great, and - and,
you know, I - I - you - you were sensational.
ANNIE
[Looking at Alvy, smiling] Yeah, well, we have the, I mean, they were
just a terrific audience, I mean, you know, it makes it really easy
for me, because I can be ... huh?
Tony, a famous record personality, pushes through the crowd, moving
toward Alvy and Annie. An entourage follows him as he makes his way
to their table.
TONY
Excuse me.
He shakes hands with Annie, smiling.
ANNIE
Oh.
TONY
Hi, I'm - I'm Tony Lacey.
ANNIE
Well, hi!
TONY
Uh, we just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your sets.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Oh, yeah, really, oh!
TONY
I though it was ... very musical, and I liked it a lot.
ANNIE
Oh, neat ... oh, that's very nice, gosh, thanks a lot.
TONY
Are you ... are you recording? Or do - Are you with any label now?
ANNIE
[Laughing] No, no, no, not at all.
TONY
Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime, if you get a
chance.
Seated Alvy looks the other way, reacting.
ANNIE
Oh. What about?
TONY
... of possibly working together.
ANNIE
[Looking for the first time at Alvy] Well, hey, that's, that's nice.
Uh. Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? Uh ... and
... uh ... Tony Lacey.
TONY
No, I don't - I don't know, but I - I know your work. I'm a big fan
of yours.
Tony reaches over and shakes hands with Alvy. The nightclub crowd surrounds
them all with their low chatter and cigarette smoke.
ALVY
Thank you very much. It's a pleasure.
TONY
[Turning to introduce his entourage] This is, uh, Shawn, and, uh ...
Bob and Petronia.
ANNIE
Hi.
ENTOURAGE
Hi.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Hi, hi, Bob ...
TONY
Uh ... w-we're going back to the Pierre. We're staying at the Pierre
... and we're gonna meet Jack and Angelica, and have a drink there,
and ... if you'd like to come, uh, we'd love to have you.
ANNIE
Yeah.
TONY
And we could just sit and talk ... nothing. Uh, not a big deal, it's
just relax, just be very mellow.
Annie and Tony and his entourage turn to look at Alvy.
ALVY
[Fingers to his mouth, reacting] Remember, we had that thing.
ANNIE
What thing?
ALVY
[Staring at Annie and clearing his throat] Don't you remember we - we
- we discussed that thing that we were -
ANNIE
[Overlapping] Thing?
ALVY
[Overlapping] - yes, we had, uh ...
ANNIE
[Looking at Alvy, reacting] Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing ... [Laughing]
... yeah ... yeah.
Annie turns, looks at Tony as he smiles and gestures with his hands.
TONY
Oh, well, I - if it's inconvenient, eh, we can't do it now ... that's
fine, too. W-w-w-we'll do it another time.
ANNIE
Hey -
TONY
Maybe if you're on the Coast, we'll get together and ... and we'll meet
there.
He shakes hands with Annie.
ANNIE
[Reacting] Oh.
TONY
It was a wonderful set.
ANNIE
Oh, gosh.
TONY
[Smiling] I really enjoyed it. [Looking at Alvy] Nice to have metcha.
Good night.
ENTOURAGE
Bye-bye.
ANNIE Nice to see you ... bye. Yeah. Bye.
She turns and looks at Alvy.
ALVY
[Reacting] What's ... you ... well, what's the matter, You w-wanna go
to that party?
ANNIE
[Looking down at her hands, then up at Alvy] I don't know, I thought
it might be kind of fun, you know what I mean, it'd be nice to meet
some new people.
ALVY
[Sighing] I'm just not ... you know, I don't think I could take a mellow
eve- 'cause I - I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean,
I - I have a tendency to ... if I get too mellow, I - I ripen and then
... rot. You know, and it's - it's not good for my ... [Making sounds]
ANNIE
All right, all right, you don't wanna go to the party, so uh, whatta
you wanna do?
INT. MOVIE THEATER. The screen is projecting the beginning of "The Sorrow
and the Pity": a street filled with fleeing cars, belongings tied on
top and piled in the back seats. Subtitles pop on: "The Jewish warmongers
and Parisian plutocrats tried to flee with their gold and jewels" as
a narrator explains in German.
CUT TO. Split screen: Annie and her psychiatrist on the left; Alvy and
his on the right. Annie, talking, sits in a white molded chair, as does
her doctor. The office is very modern: stark, white and chrome. Alvy,
talking to his psychiatrist, lies on a deep leather sofa, the doctor
seated away from him. This office looks more like a well-worn den: bookcases
overflowing, dark wood. The dialogue is separated in each screen, though
no one talks simultaneously.
ANNIE
[To her doctor] That day in Brooklyn was the last day I remember really
having a great time.
ALVY
[To his doctor] Well, we never have any laughs anymore, is the problem.
ANNIE
Well, I've been moody and dissatisfied.
ALVY'S PSYCHIATRIST
How often do you sleep together?
ANNIE'S PSYCHIATRIST
Do you have sex often?
ALVY
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
ANNIE
Constantly! I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted
to have sex.
ALVY
She would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's -
ANNIE
And ... I don't know ... I mean, six months ago I - I woulda done it.
I woulda done it, just to please him.
ALVY
I mean ... I tried everything, you know, I - I - I put on soft music
and my - my red light bulb, and ...
ANNIE
But the thing is - I mean, since our discussions here, I feel I have
a right to my own feelings. I think you woulda been happy because ...
uh, uh, I really asserted myself.
ALVY
The incredible thing about it is, I'm paying for her analysis and she's
making progress and I'm getting screwed.
ANNIE
I don't know, though, I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it,
so, you know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. But
if I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings.
I don't know I - I can't win.
ALVY
[Simultaneously, with Annie] You know ... it's getting expensive ...my
analyst ... for her analyst. She - she's making progress and I'm not
making any progress. Her progress is defeating my progress.
ANNIE [Simultaneously, with Alvy]
Sometimes I think - sometimes I think I should just live with a woman.
CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT Alvy and Annie sit close together on the sofa
in some friends' apartment. Their friends, another couple, stand behind
the sofa in the background. Excited, they talk almost all at once.
WOMAN FRIEND
Wow, I don't believe it ... you mean to tell me you guys have never
snorted coke?
ANNIE
Well, I always wanted to try, you know, but, uh, Alvy, uh ... he's very
down on it.
ALVY
Hey, don't put it on me. You kn- Wh-what is it, I don't wanna put a
wad of white powder in my nose 'cause the - the nasal membranes ...
They all start talking at once.
ANNIE
You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
ALVY
[Counting on his fingers] How can you say that? I mean, [Making sounds]
who said I - I - I - I said that you, I and that girl from your acting
class should sleep together in a threesome.
ANNIE
[Reacting] That's sick!
ALVY
Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new. You know, you didn't say it couldn't
be sick.
Annie laughs, chatters.
WOMAN FRIEND
Just come on, Alvy. [All four are now sitting on the sofa. The male
friend starts to prepare lines of cocaine; Alvy and Annie look at each
other, reacting] Do your body a favor. Try it, come on.
ALVY
Oh, yeah?
ANNIE
Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.
ALVY
[Moving forward on the couch] Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause
the Incas did it, you know, and - and they - they - they were a million
laughs.
ANNIE
[Laughing] Alvy, come on, for your own experience. I mean, you wanna
write, why not?
MALE FRIEND
It's great stuff, Alvy. Friend of mine just brought it in from California.
ANNIE
Oh, do you know something - I didn't tell yuh, we're going to California
next week.
GIRL
Oh, really?
ANNIE
Yeah ...
ALVY
... I'm thrilled. As you know, uh ... uh, on my agent's advice I sold
out, and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
ANNIE
[Interrupting] No, no, no that's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award
on television. Gee, he talks like he's violating a moral issue sitting
here.
GIRL
You're kidding?
ALVY
It's so phony, and we have to leave New York during Christmas week,
which really kills me.
MAN
[Interrupting] Alvy, listen, while you're in California, could you possibly
score some coke for me?
Annie laughs.
ALVY
[Over Annie's laughter] Sure, sure, I'll be glad to. I-I'll just put
it in a - a - a h-h-hollow heel that I have in my boot, you know. [Alvy
picks up the small open gold case of cocaine base the man placed on
the coffee table and looks at it, reacting] H-h-how much is this stuff?
MAN
It's about two thousand dollars an ounce.
ANNIE
God.
ALVY
Really? And what is the kick of it? Because I never ...
He puts his finger into the drug, smells it and then sneezes. The powder
blows all over the room as the man, woman and Annie react silently.
CUT TO: CALIFORNIA. BEVERLY HILLS STREET - DAY It's a warm, beautiful
day. Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's convertible are moving past the spacious
houses, the palm trees. The sunlight reflects off the car. Annie, excited,
is taking the whole place in. Background voices sing Christmas carols.
VOICES
[Singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a - happy new year.
ROB
[Over the singing] I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I
moved out here, Max. I want you to see my house. I live right next to
Hugh Hefner's house, Max. He lets me use the Jacuzzi. And the women,
Max, they're like the women in Playboy magazine, only they can move
their arms and legs.
ANNIE
[Laughing] You know, I can't get over that this is really Beverly Hills.
VOICES
[Singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!
ALVY
Yeah, the architecture is really consistent, isn't it? French next to
-
VOICES
[Singing over the dialogue] Oh, Christmas ... tree, Oh, Christmas tree,
how bright and green our ...
ALVY
- Spanish, next to Tudor, next to Japanese.
ANNIE
God, it's so clean out here.
ALVY
It's that they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television
shows.
ROB
Aw, come on, Max, give us a break, will yuh? It's Christmas.
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