JOE

Oh, it's perfectly safe. We're well anchored - the ship is in shipshape - and the Coast Guard promised to call me if there are any icebergs around.

SUGAR

It's not the icebergs. But there are certain men who would try to take advantage of a situation like this.

JOE

You're flattering me.

SUGAR

Well, of course, I'm sure you're a gentleman.

JOE

Oh, it's not that. It's just that I'm - harmless.

SUGAR

Harmless - how?

JOE

Well, I don't know how to put it - but I have this thing about girls.

SUGAR

What thing?

JOE

They just sort of leave me cold.

SUGAR

You mean - like frigid?

JOE

It's more like a mental block. When I'm with girls, it does nothing to me.

SUGAR

Have you tried?

JOE

Have I? I'm trying all the time.

He casually puts his arms around her, kisses her on the lips, lets go of her again.

JOE

[continues] See? Nothing.

SUGAR

Nothing at all?

JOE

Complete washout.

SUGAR

That makes me feel just awful.

JOE

Oh, it's not your fault. It's just that every now and then Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve. Something goes wrong inside.

SUGAR

You mean you can't fall in love?

JOE

Not anymore. I was in love once - but I'd rather not talk about it. [takes the glass bell off the cold cuts] How about a little cold pheasant?

SUGAR

What happened?

JOE

I don't want to bore you.

SUGAR

Oh, you couldn't possibly.

JOE

Well, it was my freshman year at Princeton - there was this girl - her name was Nellie - her father was vice-president of Hupmobile - she wore glasses, too. That summer we spent our vacation at the Grand Canyon - we were standing on the highest ledge, watching the sunset - suddenly we had an impulse to kiss - I took off my glasses - I took a step toward her - she took a step toward me -

SUGAR

[hand flying to mouth] Oh, no!

JOE

Yes. Eight hours later they brought her up by mule - I gave her three transfusions - we had the same blood type - Type O - it was too late.

SUGAR

Talk about sad.

JOE

Ever since then - [indicating heart] numb - no feelings. Like my heart was shot full of novocaine.

SUGAR

You poor, poor boy.

JOE

Yes - all the money in the world - but what good is it? [holding out serving plate] Mint sauce or cranberries?

SUGAR

How can you think about food at a time like this?

JOE

What else is there for me? [tears off leg of pheasant]

SUGAR

Is it that hopeless?

JOE

[eating] My family did everything they could - hired the most beautiful French upstairs maids - got a special tutor to read me all the books that were banned in Boston - imported a whole troupe of Balinese dancers with bells on their ankles and those long fingernails - what a waste of money!

SUGAR

Have you ever tried American girls?

JOE

Why?

She kisses him - pretty good, but nothing spectacular.

SUGAR

Is that anything?

JOE

[shaking his head] Thanks just the same.

He resumes nibbling on the pheasant leg, sits on the couch.

SUGAR

Maybe if you saw a good doctor ...

JOE

I have. Spent six months in Vienna with Professor Freud - flat on my back - [stretches out the couch, still eating] - then there were the Mayo Brothers - and injections and hypnosis and mineral baths - if I weren't such a coward, I'd kill myself.

SUGAR

Don't talk like that. I'm sure there must be some girl some place that could -

JOE

If I ever found a girl that could - I'd marry her like that.

He snaps his fingers. The word "marriage" makes something snap inside Sugar, too.

SUGAR

Would you do me a favor?

JOE

What is it?

SUGAR

I may not be Dr. Freud or a Mayo Brother or one of those French upstairs girls - but could I take another crack at it?

JOE

[blase] All right - if you insist.

She bends over him, gives him a kiss of slightly higher voltage.

SUGAR

Anything this time?

JOE

I'm afraid not. Terribly sorry.

SUGAR

[undaunted] Would you like a little more champagne? [proceeds to refill glasses] And maybe if we had some music - [indicating lights] - how do you dim these lights?

JOE

Look, it's terribly sweet of you to want to help out - but it's no use. [pointing] I think the light switch is over there - [Sugar dims lights] - and that's the radio. [Sugar switches it on] It's like taking somebody to a concert when he's tone deaf.

By this time there is only candlelight in the salon, and from the radio comes soft music - STAIRWAY TO THE STARS. Sugar crosses to the couch with two champagne glasses, hands one to Joe, sits beside him. Joe drinks down the champagne, and Sugar hands him the second glass. He drains that, too.

SUGAR

You're not giving yourself a chance. Don't fight it. Relax. [she kisses him again]

JOE

[shaking his head] It's like smoking without inhaling.

SUGAR

So inhale!

This kiss is the real McCoy. As they stay locked in each other's arms - WIPE TO:

57. INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT.

57. It is small, dark, and practically deserted. The Cuban band is playing LA CUMPARSITA. Among the dancers on the floor are Osgood and Jerry, easily the most stylish couple in the joint. Jerry has the flower tucked in his cleavage. As they tango -

OSGOOD

Daphne ...

JERRY

Yes, Osgood?

OSGOOD

You're leading again.

JERRY

Sorry.

They tango on. WIPE BACK TO:

58. INT. SALON OF CALEDONIA - NIGHT.

58. Joe and Sugar are still in the same embrace. The radio music continues. Finally they break.

SUGAR

[waiting for the verdict] Well - ?

JOE

I'm not quite sure. Try it again.

She does. As they break, she looks at him - the suspense is unbearable.

JOE

[trying to diagnose it] I got a funny sensation in my toes - like somebody was barbecuing them over a slow flame.

SUGAR

Lets throw another log on the fire.

Another kiss.

JOE

I think you're on the right track.

SUGAR

I must be - because your glasses are beginning to steam up.

She kisses him again.

WIPE TO: 59. INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT.

59. Osgood and Jerry have now got the tango by the throat. Jerry is dancing with his back to the CAMERA, and as Osgood whips him around, we see that Jerry has the flower clamped between his teeth. They reverse positions again, and Osgood grabs the flower between his teeth. WIPE BACK TO:

60. INT. SALON OF CALEDONIA - NIGHT.

60. The radio is still on, and Joe and Sugar are just coming out of their last kiss. Joe removes his glasses, which are now completely fogged up.

JOE

I never knew it could be like this.

SUGAR

Thank you.

JOE

They told me I was kaput - finished - washed up - and now you're making a chump out of all those experts.

SUGAR

Mineral baths - now really!

JOE

Where did you learn to kiss like that?

SUGAR

Oh, you know - Junior League - charity bazaars - I used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund.

They kiss again.

JOE

[going, going, gone] Tomorrow, remind me to send a check for a hundred thousand dollars to the Milk Fund.

She doesn't have to kiss him any more - he takes over now. WIPE TO:

61. INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT.

61. The chairs are stacked on the tables, and Osgood and Jerry are the only couple on the floor. Osgood, wearing the flower behind his ear, and massaging his behind with a tablecloth, is tangoing with wild abandon around Jerry. Suddenly he grabs Jerry, bends him over in a dashing dip. They straighten up, dance a couple of steps, and now Jerry returns the compliment - he almost breaks Osgood's spine with an even more dashing dip. As for the Cuban musicians - we now discover that Osgood has kept his word. They are all blindfolded.

DISSOLVE TO: 62. EXT. YACHT AT ANCHOR - DAWN.

62. Sugar and Joe are in the motorboat, gliding away from the Caledonia toward the pier - backwards, naturally. It is quite romantic - with the sun about to rise - and the incidental music augmenting the mood.

DISSOLVE TO: 63. EXT. PIER - DAWN.

63. Joe and Sugar, his arm over her shoulder, walk dreamily toward the hotel. From the other direction comes Osgood, twirling the flower in his hand, and humming LA CUMPARSITA. As he passes Sugar and Joe, he waves to them jauntily, then continues toward the same motorboat which just deposited them. He gets in, starts the motor, takes off.

DISSOLVE TO: 64. EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE - DAWN.

64. Joe leads Sugar up to the steps, then stops and faces her.

JOE

Good night.

SUGAR

Good morning.

JOE

How much do I owe the Milk Fund so far?

SUGAR

Eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

JOE

Let's make it an even million.

He gives her a final kiss. Sugar turns, starts up the steps, then stops and comes back to him.

SUGAR

I forgot to give you your receipt.

She kisses him, then floats through the entrance of the hotel. Joe watches her till she is out of sight, then takes off his glasses. He hurries up the steps, starts to climb up one of the posts of the veranda.

65. INT. ROOM 413 - DAWN.

65. Jerry, still in his evening gown, is stretched out on his bed, gaily singing LA CUMPARSITA and accompanying himself with a pair of maracas. Joe appears over the railing of the balcony, steps through the window into the room.

JOE

[exuberant] Hi, Jerry. Everything under control?

JERRY

Have I got things to tell you!

JOE

What happened?

JERRY

[beaming] I'm engaged.

JOE

Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

JERRY

I am.

JOE

WHAT?

JERRY

[brimming over] Osgood proposed to me. We're planning a June wedding.

JOE

What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood!

JERRY

[getting up] You think he's too old for me?

JOE

Jerry! You can't be serious!

JERRY

Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time!

JOE

But you're not a girl. You're a guy! And why would a guy want to marry a guy?

JERRY

Security.

JOE

Jerry, you'd better lie down. You're not doing well.

JERRY

Look, stop treating me like a child. I'm not stupid. I know there's a problem.

JOE

I'll say there is!

JERRY

His mother - we need her approval. But I'm not worried - because I don't smoke.

JOE

Jerry - there's another problem.

JERRY

Like what?

JOE

Like what are you going to do on your honeymoon?

JERRY

We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera - but I sort of lean toward Niagara Falls.

JOE

You're out of your mind! How can you get away with this?

JERRY

Oh, I don't expect it to last. I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.

JOE

Like when?

JERRY

Like right after the ceremony.

JOE

Oh.

JERRY

Then we'll get a quick annulment - he'll make a nice settlement on me - I'll have those alimony checks coming in every month -

JOE

Jerry, listen to me - there are laws - conventions - it's just not being done!

JERRY

But Joe - this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!

JOE

Look, Jerry - take my advice - forget the whole thing - just keep telling yourself you're a boy!

JERRY

I'm a boy - I'm a boy - I wish I were dead - I'm a boy - I'm a boy - [slaps his wig down on the desk] What am I going to do about my engagement present?

JOE

What engagement present?

Jerry picks up a jewel box, opens it, hands it to Joe.

JERRY

He gave me this bracelet.

Joe takes Bienstock's glasses out of his pocket, examines the bracelet through one of the lenses.

JOE

Hey - these are real diamonds.

JERRY

Naturally. You think my fiance is a bum? Now I guess I'll have to give it back.

JOE

Wait a minute - lets not be hasty. After all, we don't want to hurt poor Osgood's feelings.

There is a KNOCK on the door.

JOE

[in girl's voice] Just a minute.

They grab their wigs, slap them on. Joe dives into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin.

SUGAR'S VOICE

It's me - Sugar.

JOE

Come in.

Sugar, in a negligee, comes in - or rather, floats in.

SUGAR

I thought I heard voices - and I just had to talk to somebody. I don't feel like going to sleep.

JERRY

I know what you need - a slug of bourbon.

He opens a bureau drawer, takes out the hot-water bottle.

SUGAR

Oh, no. I'm off that stuff - for good.

JOE

Did you have a nice time?

SUGAR

Nice? [on a cloud] It was beautiful.

JERRY

Did he get fresh?

SUGAR

Of course not. As a matter of fact, it was just the other way around. You see he needs help.

JERRY

What for?

SUGAR

And talk about elegant - you should see the yacht - candlelight - mint sauce and cranberries.

JOE

Gee, I wish I'd been there.

SUGAR

I'm going to see him again tonight - and every night - I think he's going to propose to me - as soon as he gets up his nerve.

JERRY

[looking at Joe] That's some nerve!

JOE

[covering up quickly] Daphne got a proposal tonight.

SUGAR

Really?

JERRY

From a rich millionaire.

SUGAR

That's wonderful. [suddenly turning to Joe] Poor Josephine.

JOE

[startled] Me?

SUGAR

Daphne has a beau - I have a beau - if we could only find somebody for you.

The door opens, and in strides the fresh Bellhop, gin bottle in one hand and the passkey in the other.

BELLHOP

Here I am, doll!

Joe disappears under the covers.

FADE OUT: FADE IN: 66. INT. LOBBY SEMINOLE-RITZ HOTEL - DAY.

66. We are CLOSE on a doormat bearing the name SEMINOLE- RITZ HOTEL. A pair of men's feet step across the mat, the shoes encased I white linen spats. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL Spats Colombo entering the lobby, surrounded by his four henchmen and followed by bellhops carrying their luggage. The henchmen are all dolled up for Florida - knickers, Panamas, two-toned shoes - and one of them is carrying a golf bag. Spats is somewhat more conservatively dressed in a light gray business suit. They stop and look around. Draped across the rear wall is an impressive banner reading: "WELCOME DELEGATES 10TH ANNUAL CONVENTION FRIENDS OF ITALIAN OPERA."

SECOND HENCHMAN

[reading banner] Friends of Eye-talian Opera - hey, that's us!

A convention official, wearing a badge and ribbon identifying him as a committee member, comes up to Spats.

FIRST OFFICIAL

Register over there.

Spats nods to his boys, and they move toward the registration desk, past other groups of delegates. You would hate to meet any of these mugs in a dark alley, but what makes it heartwarming is that they all have a cauliflower ear for good music. Sitting on a settee is a gentleman reading the Police Gazette. As he lowers the paper, we see it's our friend Mulligan, the Federal agent. He looks after Spats and his boys with a wry smile.

At the desk, Spats and his group are identifying themselves to the registrar. Leaning against a column, supervising the proceedings, is a dark, menacing young hoodlum, JOHNNY PARADISE. He is insolently flipping a half dollar in the air.

SPATS

[to registrar] Spats Colombo - delegate from Chicago - South Side chapter.

The registrar pins an identification tag on his lapel.

PARADISE

Hi, Spats. We was laying eight to one you wouldn't show.

SPATS

Why wouldn't I?

PARADISE

We thought you was all broken up about Toothpick Charlie.

SPATS

Well, we all got to go sometime.

PARADISE

Yeah. You never know who's going to be next. [jerks his thumb toward screen] Okay, Spats. Report to the Sergeant-at-Arms.

SPATS

What for?

PARADISE

Orders from Little Bonaparte.

Spats has now been joined by the four henchmen, who have also received their identification tags, and Paradise motions them behind the screen. Behind the screen, a couple of officials are waiting.

SECOND OFFICIAL

Put 'em up, Spats.

SPATS

What's the idea?

SECOND OFFICIAL

Little Bonaparte don't want no hardware around.

Spats reluctantly complies and the official frisks him.

SECOND OFFICIAL

[continues] Okay - you're clean.

SPATS

[tapping official's pocket] You're not.

He pulls an automatic out of the official's shoulder holster, tosses it into a wire basket which already holds a large collection of hardware. The official glares at him, then turns and runs his hands down the First Henchman. He feels something at the bottom of one of his knickers, pulls elastic cuff. A gun drops out.

FIRST HENCHMAN

It ain't loaded.

The official pulls the elastic of the other knicker, and several dozen bullets drop to the floor. The official kicks them away, faces the henchman with the golf bag.

SECOND OFFICIAL

What's in there?

SECOND HENCHMAN

My golf clubs. Putter, niblick, number three iron -

The official pulls a submachine gun out of the bag.

SECOND OFFICIAL

What's this?

SECOND HENCHMAN

My mashie.

Spats emerges from behind the screen.

PARADISE

[still tossing coin] See you at the banquet, Spats.

Spats looks at the young punk contemptuously, snatches the coin out of the air.

SPATS

Where did you pick up that cheap trick? [drops the coin in the kid's breast pocket] Come on, boys.

He and his henchmen start across the lobby toward the reception counter. As they pass Mulligan, he rises.

MULLIGAN

Well, Spats Colombo - if I were saw one.

SPATS

Hello, copper. What brings you down to Florida?

MULLIGAN

I heard you opera-lovers were having a little rally - so I thought I better be around in case anybody decides to sing.

SPATS

Big joke!

MULLIGAN

Say, Maestro - where were you at three o'clock on St. Valentine's Day?

SPATS

Me? I was at Rigoletto.

MULLIGAN

What's his first name? And where does he live?

SPATS

That's an opera, you ignoramus.

MULLIGAN

Where did they play it - in a garage on Clark Street?

SPATS

Clark Street? Never heard of it.

MULLIGAN

Ever hear of the DeLuxe French Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?

SPATS

Why?

MULLIGAN

Because the day after the shooting you sent in a pair of spats - they had blood on them.

SPATS

I cut myself shaving.

MULLIGAN

You shave with your spats on?

SPATS

I sleep with my spats on.

MULLIGAN

Quit kidding. You did that vulcanizing job on Toothpick Charlie - and we know it.

SPATS

You and who else?

MULLIGAN

Me and those two witnesses whom your lawyers have been looking for all over Chicago.

SPATS

You boys know anything about any garage - or any witnesses?

FIRST HENCHMAN

Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.

MULLIGAN

Don't worry, Spats. One of these days we'll dig up those two guys.

SPATS

That's what you'll have to do - dig 'em up!

He leads his boys away from Mulligan toward the reception desk. The elevator door opens, and among the passengers stepping out are Joe and Jerry, in their summer dresses. Joe is carrying their room key.

JERRY

[indicating diamond bracelet on wrist] I feel like such a tramp - taking jewelry from a man under false pretenses.

JOE

Get it while you're young. And you better fix your lips. You want to look nice for Osgood, don't you?

Jerry stops, takes a mirror and lipstick out of his handbag, starts to touch up his lips.

JERRY

It's just going to break his heart when he finds out I can't marry him.

JOE

So? It's going to break Sugar's heart when she finds out I'm not a millionaire. That's life. You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg.

JERRY

What are you giving me with the omelette?

JOE

Nag, nag, nag. Look, we got a yacht, we got a bracelet, you got Osgood, I've got Sugar - we're really cooking.

JERRY

[his eyes transfixed by something he sees in the mirror] Joe -

JOE

What?

What Jerry sees in the mirror is Spats Colombo and the four henchmen.

JERRY

Something tells me the omelette is about to hit the fan.

He nods in the direction of the reception desk. Joe looks, sees what Jerry has seen, then -

JOE

Come on, Daphne.

With as much grace as they can muster, they hurry back toward the elevator. The doors are just opening, and our Bellhops comes backing out, trundling an old man in a wheelchair. The old man wears a Panama hat, dark glasses, and is covered up to his chin with a plaid blanket. Joe and Jerry almost fall over the invalid in their haste to get to the elevator.

67. INT. ELEVATOR - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

67. Joe and Jerry scramble inside.

JOE

Going up.

As the elevator operator starts to close the doors, he is arrested by -

SPATS' VOICE

Hold it.

Joe and Jerry freeze as Spats steps into the elevator, followed by the four henchmen.

SPATS

I don't mean to be forward - but ain't I had the pleasure of meeting you two broads before?

JOE

Oh, no!

JERRY

You must be thinking of two other broads.

SECOND HENCHMAN

You ever been in Chicago?

JERRY

Us? We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago.

Spats, his interest aroused, is now also studying the two boys. To their relief, the elevator stops and the operator opens the door.

OPERATOR

Third floor.

FIRST HENCHMAN

[to the boys] What floor are you on?

JOE

Never you mind.

He waves them away with the hand holding the room key. The henchman glances at the numbered tag.

FIRST HENCHMAN

Room 413 - we'll be in touch.

He follows the others out.

JERRY

[coyly] Don't call us - we'll call you.

As the elevator doors start to close, Spats glances over his shoulder toward the boys, frowning thoughtfully. In the elevator, Joe and Jerry look at each other, swallow hard.

DISSOLVE TO: 68. INT. ROOM 413 - DAY.

68. Joe and Jerry are frantically dumping their clothes into two open suitcases on the bed.

JERRY

I tell you, Joe, they're on to us. They're going to line us up against the wall and - [imitating machine gun] Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh - and then the police are going to find two dead dames, and they're going to take us to the ladies' morgue, and when they undress us - I tell you, Joe, I'm just going to die of shame.

JOE

Shut up and keep packing.

JERRY

Okay, Joe.

He picks up an orchid corsage, in a transparent box, from the desk, starts to put it into the suitcase.

JOE

[grabbing it] Not that, you idiot.

JERRY

But they're from Osgood. He wanted me to wear them tonight.

Joe tosses the corsage box into the waste basket. Jerry starts to pack the maracas.

JERRY

I'll never find another man who's so good to me.

Joe fishes out Bienstock's yachting cap from under the bed, turns it over in his hand, lost in thought.

JERRY

[continues] Joe, if we get out of this hotel alive, you know what we're going to do? We're going to sell the bracelet, and grab a boat to South America and hide out in one of those banana republics - [removes bracelet, puts it in jewel case on desk] The way I figure is, if we eat nothing but bananas, we can live there for fifty years - maybe a hundred years - that is, if we get out of the hotel alive. [looking around] Did we forget anything?

JOE

[still studying cap] There's our shaving stuff - and there's Sugar.

JERRY

Sugar?

JOE

[picking up phone] Get me Room 414.

JERRY

What do you think you're doing? Making a telephone call.

JERRY

Telephone call? Who's got time for that?

JOE

We can't just walk out on her without saying goodbye.

JERRY

Since when? Usually you leave 'em with nothing but a kick in the teeth.

JOE

That's when I was a saxophone player. Now I'm a millionaire.

JERRY

Drop her a postcard. Any minute now those gorillas may be up here -

JOE

[into telephone, in a Southern female voice] Hello, Room 414? This is the ship-to-shore operator - I have a call for Miss Sugar Cane.

69. INT. ROOM 414 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

69. Dolores, in a robe and hair-curlers, is at the phone. Sugar, in a negligee, is stretching out on her bed, dreamily reading a copy of Vanity Fair.

DOLORES

Hey, Sugar, it's for you - from the yacht.

Sugar jumps up, grabs the phone eagerly.

SUGAR

Hello?

70. INT. ROOM 413 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

70. Jerry is watching Joe on the phone.

JOE

[Cary Grant once more] Hello, my dearest darling. So good to hear your voice again.

JERRY

I may throw up.

He disappears into the bathroom.

JOE

[into phone] No, I didn't, darling - to tell the truth, I never closed an eye.

As he and Sugar continue, their telephone conversation, INTERCUT between the two rooms.

SUGAR

That's funny - I never slept better. And I had the most wonderful dream. I was still on the yacht, and the anchor broke loose - and we drifted for days and days - you were the captain and I was the crew - I kept a lookout for icebergs, and I sorted your shells, and mixed your cocktails, and wiped the steam off your glasses - and when I woke up, I felt like swimming right back to you.

JOE

Yes. Now about our date for tonight ...

SUGAR

I'll meet you on the pier again - right after the show.

JOE

I'm afraid not. I can't make it tonight.

SUGAR

Tomorrow night?

JOE

Not tomorrow, either. You see, I have to leave - something unexpected came up - I'm sailing right away.

SUGAR

Where to? South America? Oh. That is unexpected.

JOE

You see, we have those oil interests in Venezuela - and I just got a cable from Dad - the board of directors decided on a merger.

SUGAR

A merger? How long will you be gone?

JOE

Quite a while. As a matter of fact, I'm not coming back at all.

SUGAR

You're not?

JOE

It's all rather complicated - what we call high finance - but it so happens that the president of the Venezuelan syndicate has a daughter, and -

SUGAR

Oh - that kind of a merger. Is she young? Pretty?

JOE

According to our tax advisers, she's only so-so. But - that's the way the oil gushes. A man in my position has a certain responsibility to the stockholders - all those little people who invest their life savings -

SUGAR

Oh, of course. I understand. At least, I think I do.

71. JOE - ON PHONE.

JOE

I knew you would.

He picks up the jewel case with the diamond bracelet from the desk, studies it thoughtfully.

JOE

[continues] I only wish there were something I could do for you.

72. SUGAR - ON PHONE.

SUGAR

But you have. You've given me all that inside information - first thing tomorrow I'm going to call my broker and have him buy fifty thousand shares of Venezuelan oil.

73. INT. ROOM 413 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

JOE

[into phone] Smart move. [reaches into waste basket, extracts corsage box] Oh, by the way - did you get my flowers? You know, those orchids from my greenhouse - the fog finally lifted over Long Island, and they flew them down this morning.

As he talks he opens the corsage box, puts the bracelet in with the orchids, closes it again.

JOE

[continues] That's strange - I sent them to your room - they should have been delivered by now -

Holding the phone in one hand and the corsage box in the other, he moves toward the hall door.

74. INT. ROOM 414 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

74. Sugar covers the mouthpiece of the phone, turns to Dolores.

SUGAR

Hey, Dolores - will you see if there are any flowers outside?

Dolores starts toward the hall door.

75. INT. FOURTH FLOOR CORRIDOR - DAY.

75. The door of 413 opens. Joe, having come as far as the length of the telephone cord will permit, sets the corsage box down, kicks it across the hall to the door of 414. As he closes his door, the door of 414 opens. Dolores reaches out, picks up the corsage box, starts back inside.

76. INT. ROOM 414 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

76. Dolores brings the corsage box to Sugar.

SUGAR

[into phone] Yes, they're here. [opening box] Oh - white orchids. Would you believe it - I haven't had white orchids since I was a debutante. [finding bracelet] What's this?

77. JOE - ON PHONE.

JOE

What's what? Oh, that. just a little going away present.

78. SUGAR - ON PHONE.

SUGAR

Real diamonds. They must be worth their weight in gold. Are you always this generous?

79. JOE - ON PHONE.

JOE

Not always. But I want you to know I'm very grateful for what you did for me.

80. SUGAR - ON PHONE.

SUGAR

I didn't do anything. It just happened.

81. INT. ROOM 413 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

81. Jerry emerges from bathroom, carrying their toilet articles and an armful of towels embroidered with SEMINOLE-RITZ HOTEL.

JOE

[into phone] Oh. The navigator just came in - we're ready to cast off.

82. SUGAR - ON PHONE.

SUGAR

Well, anchors aweigh, you have a bon voyage. And if you need an orchestra to play at your wedding, we'll be through here in a couple of weeks.

83. INT. ROOM 413 - [CONTINUOUS] - DAY.

JOE

[into phone] Goodbye, my darling.

He hangs up, stares moodily at the phone. Jerry shuts his suitcase.

JERRY

I don't know about the captain - but the navigator is getting his tail out of here.

JOE

[snapping out of his trance] Yeah - lets shove off.

They start to gather up their instruments and luggage.

JERRY

Wait a minute - my bracelet. [picks up jewel case, shuts it, then realizes it's empty] What happened to my bracelet?

JOE

What do you mean, your bracelet? It's our bracelet.

JERRY

All right. What happened to our bracelet?

JOE

Don't worry. We did the right thing with it.

JERRY

What did we do? Joe, you're not pulling one of your old tricks.

JOE

No tricks, no mirrors, nothing up my sleeve. It's on the level this time.

The door opens and Sugar comes in. The boys whirl around.

SUGAR

Where's that bourbon?

She heads straight for the bureau, starts to open various drawers. Joe steps in front of the suitcases to conceal them from her.

JOE

What's the matter, Sugar?

SUGAR

I don't know. All of a sudden, I'm thirsty.

Joe fishes the hot-water bottle out of the open suitcase behind him, hands it to Sugar. As she reaches for it, Jerry notices the diamond bracelet on her wrist.

JERRY

[pointing] How did you get that bracelet?

SUGAR

You like it?

JERRY

I always did.

SUGAR

Junior gave it to me. It must have at least thirty stones -

JERRY

[promptly] Thirty-four.

SUGAR

He's going to South America to marry some other girl - that's what they call high finance.

JERRY

That's what I call a louse! If I were you, Sugar, I'd throw that bracelet right back in his face.

JOE

[admonishingly] Daphne -

SUGAR

He was the first nice guy I ever met in my life - and the only one who ever gave me anything.

JOE

You'll forget him, Sugar.

SUGAR

How can I? No matter where I go, there'll always be a Shell station on the corner. [indicating hot-water bottle] I'll bring this back when it's empty.

She exits. Jerry turns on Joe furiously.

JERRY

You crazy or something? The place is crawling with mobsters - gangrene is setting in - and you're making like Diamond Jim Brady! How are we going to get out of here? How are we going to eat?

JOE

We'll walk. And if we have to, we'll starve.

JERRY

There you go with that we again.

He picks up his suitcase, starts toward the door. Joe grabs him and pulls him back.

JOE

Not that way. [heading for window] We don't want to run into Spats and his chums.

He steps through the open French window onto the balcony. Jerry starts to hand out the instruments and luggage to him.

84. INT. SPATS' SUITE - DAY.

84. The four henchmen, in dinner clothes are playing cards in the lavishly appointed living room when Spats emerges from the bedroom. He is just slipping into his tuxedo coat, and his spats are unbuttoned.

SPATS

[to Second Henchman] Your hands clean? [the henchman extends his palms up, then turns them over] Okay. Button my spats.

He drops into a chair, and the Second Henchman kneels, starts to button the spats.

FIRST HENCHMAN

Say, boss - I been talking to some of the other delegates - and the word is that Little Bonaparte is real sore about what happened to Toothpick Charlie. Him and Charlie, they used to be choir boys together.

SPATS

[drily] Stop, or I'll burst out crying.

FIRST HENCHMAN

He even got Charlie's last toothpick - the one from the garage - and had it gold-plated. SPATS Like I was telling you - Little Bonaparte is getting soft. [taps his chest] He doesn't have it here any more. Used to be like a rock. [shaking his head] Too bad. I think it's time for him to retire.

SECOND HENCHMAN

Second the motion.

FIRST HENCHMAN

How are we going to retire him?

SPATS

We'll think of something cute. One of these days, Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie will be singing in the same choir again.

He points up. Outside the window, Joe appears, climbing down a post from the floor above. He lands on the balcony, reaches up for the instruments and suitcases which the unseen Jerry is passing down to him.

SPATS

And this time, we'll make sure there are no witnesses.

The First Henchman glances out the window, sees Jerry climbing down the post to join Joe.

FIRST HENCHMAN

Look - it's those two broads from the elevator.

Spats turns and looks. The Second Henchman, beaming, crosses to the window, calls out.

SECOND HENCHMAN

Hey - join us!

Joe and Jerry, panic-stricken, peer through the Venetian blinds at Spats and his mob. Then they scramble for their lives over the railing of the balcony and down, their hats and wigs knocked askew.

SECOND HENCHMAN

What's the matter with those dames?

SPATS

Maybe those dames ain't dames!

He yanks up the Venetian blinds, steps quickly out onto the balcony, looks down over the railing. Then he picks up the bull-fiddle, drags it through the window into the room.

SPATS

Same faces - same instruments - [pointing at bullet holes] - and here's your Valentine's card.

FIRST HENCHMAN

[catching on] Those two musicians from the garage!

SPATS

They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago - so we'll finish the job here. Come on.

Led by Spats, they all dash out of the room. After a moment, Joe's and Jerry's heads appear cautiously over the balcony railing. Seeing that the room is empty, they climb up, rush in through the open windows.

JERRY

All right - so what do we do now?

JOE

First thing we got to do is get out of these clothes.

He opens the door to the corridor and they peer out.

85. INT. THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR - DAY.

85. There is no sign of Spats and his boys. The elevator door is just opening, and the Bellhop emerges, pushing the old man in the wheelchair. Joe and Jerry watch as the Bellhop wheels the old man into one of the rooms. They look at each other, as the same idea occurs to them both, nod their heads in agreement. Slipping out of Spats' room, they cross the corridor to the old man's room, start inside.

DISSOLVE TO: 86. INT. LOBBY - DAY.

86. The elevator doors open, and a Bellhop backs out with a man in a wheel chair. As they turn INTO CAMERA, we discover that the bellhop is Jerry - the uniform fitting him much too snugly - and the blanket-covered figure in the wheel chair is Joe, dressed in the old man's suit, Panama hat, and dark glasses. As Jerry and Joe proceed with dignity toward the front door, we see Spats and his henchmen deployed in strategic positions around the lobby.

Jerry wheels Joe past Spats. Spats glances at them casually, then becomes aware of a strange CLACKING SOUND. He looks down. There is something decidedly odd about the bellhop - because his trouser-legs terminate in high-heeled shoes. Spats, grinning smugly, signals the two henchmen who are guarding the front door. They start to close in on Joe and Jerry. Jerry abruptly spins the wheel chair around, trundles it toward the rear of the lobby.

The other two henchmen take up the chase. Jerry and Joe disappear into a corridor leading toward the rear of the hotel. As the pursuing henchmen start to turn into the corridor, the empty wheel chair comes whizzing toward them. The henchmen stumble over it, become momentarily entangled. Joe and Jerry, sprinting down the corridor, reach an open door, dart inside. The henchmen come racing up, and passing the door, round a bend in the corridor.

87. INT. PANTRY - DAY.

87. In the center of the room stands a huge cake, and two convention officials are decorating it under the watchful eye of Johnny Paradise, who leans against the wall monotonously tossing a coin into the air. One of the officials, wielding a confectioner's cone, has almost finished lettering the inscription HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPATS. Joe and Jerry burst in from the corridor, and the three hoods look up, startled. Before they can recover, the boys have scooted across the room and out another door.

88. INT. BANQUET ROOM - DAY.

88. Joe and Jerry come dashing in breathlessly, stop to get their bearings. Dominating the room is a U-shaped table, covered with flowers and about thirty place-settings, with a half grapefruit on each plate. On the wall behind the head of the table is the banner welcoming the Friends of Italian Opera. The boys glance around the empty room, make a beeline for the main entrance.

As they reach the door, it starts to open, and voices are HEARD from the corridor. They turn desperately toward a second door, but that too is opening. Trapped, they duck under the banquet table, disappearing behind the long white tablecloth just as the banqueteers start to troop in. They are the same mugs we saw in the lobby, but they are now dressed in tuxedos or white dinner jackets.

Chatting amiably, they move to their places at the table. Under the table, Joe and Jerry huddle together as the delegates start to seat themselves. Suddenly a pair of legs slide beneath the tablecloth directly in front of them - and the boys recoil when they see that the owner's shoes are encased in spats. Spats Colombo is settling himself at the table, while his four henchmen take the seats on either side of him.

SPATS

What happened?

FIRST HENCHMAN

Me and Tiny, we had them cornered - but we lost 'em in the shuffle.

SPATS

[turning to other two henchmen] Where were you guys?

SECOND HENCHMAN

Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.

SPATS

Why, you stupid -

He picks up the half-grapefruit in front of him, and is about to ram it in the henchman's face.

FIRST HENCHMAN

It's all right, boss - we'll get 'em after the banquet. They can't be too far away.

Under the table, Joe and Jerry exchange a panicky look. There is a burst of APPLAUSE from the delegates as through the door strides LITTLE BONAPARTE, accompanied by half a dozen convention officials. Little Bonaparte is short, bald, vicious, and wears a hearing aid. As he proceeds toward the head of the table, his pose is Napoleonic -head bowed, hands clasped behind his back. Spats and his henchmen pointedly abstain from applauding. Little Bonaparte remains standing at the place of honor while his associates seat themselves.

BONAPARTE

Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of this organization - and if I say so myself, you made the right choice. Let's look at the record. We have fought off the crackpots who want to repeal Prohibition and destroy the American home - by bringing the corner saloon. We have stamped out the fly-by-night operators who endangered public health by brewing gin in their own bathtubs, which is very unsanitary. We have made a real contribution to national prosperity - we are helping the automobile industry by buying all those trucks, the glass industry by using all those bottles, and the steel industry - you know, all those corkscrews. And what's good for the country is good for us. In the last fiscal year, our income was a hundred and twelve million dollars before taxes - only we ain't paying no taxes.

The delegates applaud.

BONAPARTE

[continues] Of course, like in every business, we've had our little misunderstandings. Let us now rise and observe one minute of silence in memory of seven of our members from Chicago - North Side chapter - who are unable to be with us tonight on account of being rubbed out.

All the delegates rise and bow their heads - except Spats and his henchmen.

BONAPARTE

[continues; sharply] You too, Spats. Up!

Spats and his boys get up reluctantly, join the others in silent tribute.

89. INT. PANTRY - DAY.

89. The inscribed top of the cake has been lifted off to reveal a hollow interior. Johnny Paradise is climbing inside.

SECOND OFFICIAL

Easy now. You know when you come out?

PARADISE

Yeah. The second time they sing - [singing] For he's a jolly good fel-low Which nobody can deny.

SECOND OFFICIAL

Okay. [handing him a submachine gun] And don't mess up the cake - I promised to bring back a piece to my kids.

Johnny Paradise squats down inside the cake. The officials set the lid back in place.

90. INT. BANQUET ROOM - DAY.

90. The minute of silence is over, and the delegates are seating themselves. Little Bonaparte remains on his feet.

BONAPARTE

Now, fellow delegates, there comes a time in the life of every business executive when he starts to think about retirement.

There are ad lib cries of "No! No!" from the delegates. Little Bonaparte holds up his hand.

BONAPARTE

[continues] In looking around for somebody to fill my shoes, I've been considering several candidates. For instance, there is a certain party from Chicago - South Side Chapter.

He glances in the direction of Spats. Spats' henchmen turn and look at their boss.

BONAPARTE

[continues] Now some people say he's gotten a little too big for his spats - but I say he's a man who'll go far. Some people say he's gone too far - but I say you can't keep a good man down. Of course, he still has a lot to learn. That big noise he made on St. Valentine's Day - that wasn't very good for public relations. And letting those two witnesses get away - that sure was careless.

Under the table, Joe and Jerry try to make themselves as small as possible.

SPATS

Don't worry about those two guys - they're as good as dead - I almost caught up with them today.

BONAPARTE

[turning on hearing aid] You mean you let them get away twice? [clicks his tongue] Some people would say that was real sloppy - but I say to err is human, to forgive divine. And you, Spats - the boys told me you was having a birthday - so we baked you a little cake.

SPATS

My birthday? It ain't for another four months.

BONAPARTE

So we're a little early. So what's a few months between friends? [turning to the others] All right, boys - now all together - [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow ...

The other delegates, including Spats' henchmen, join in the song. The lights are extinguished, and from the pantry come the two officials, pushing a cart on which stands the cake, with candles blazing. They wheel the cake up directly in front of Spats, who eyes it uneasily. Little Bonaparte, meanwhile, is conducting the song with relish.

As the singers reach the climactic line, the top of the cake tears open and out pops Johnny Paradise. Aiming his machine gun at Spats and his henchmen, he starts blazing away. Under the table, Joe and Jerry cringe. Little Bonaparte winces, turns down the volume of his hearing aid - he can't stand loud noises. Spats' four henchmen have slumped across the table. Spats is clutching his chest.

SPATS

Big joke!

His eyes close, and he starts to slip out of his chair. Under the table, Joe and Jerry react as Spats' body comes sliding toward them, feet first.

JOE

Let's get out of here.

He grabs Jerry, pulls him out from under the table. The delegates, who are watching Johnny Paradise scramble out of the cake, are momentarily off guard as Joe and Jerry streak across the darkened banquet room toward the pantry door.

BONAPARTE

Get those two guys!

Mulligan enters and stares at the five corpses.

MULLIGAN

What happened here?

BONAPARTE

[blandly] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them.

Mulligan crosses to the cake, glances inside, then turns to Little Bonaparte.

MULLIGAN

My compliments to the chef. And nobody's leaving this room till I get the recipe!

BONAPARTE

You want to make a Federal case out of it?

MULLIGAN

[grabs hearing aid, yells into mike] Yeah!

91. INT. LOBBY - NIGHT.

91. Joe and Jerry bolt out of the rear corridor, go pounding up the stairs, followed by two of the officials. As they disappear from sight, CAMERA PANS OVER to the elevator. The door opens, and out step Joe and Jerry, wearing their wigs and girls' coats. As the boys mince daintily toward the front door, they see the other two officials coming toward them. They change their course abruptly. The first two officials come hurrying down the stairs.

FIRST OFFICIAL

They slipped right through our hands.

SECOND OFFICIAL

Don't worry. We got our guys watching the railroad station, the roads, the airport - they can't get away.

JERRY

[to Joe, in a hoarse whisper] Did you hear that?

JOE

Yeah, but they're not watching yachts. Come on - you're going to call Osgood.

He steers Jerry toward a row of telephone booths near the entrance to the ballroom. There is an easel sign outside announcing that Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators are appearing nightly in the Peacock Room, and from inside comes the SOUND of MUSIC.

JERRY

What'll I tell him?

JOE

Tell him you're going to elope with him.

JERRY

Elope? But there are laws - conventions -

JOE

[jerking his thumb over his shoulder] There's a convention, all right. There's also the ladies' morgue.

He shoves Jerry toward a phone booth. Jerry reaches under his coat for a coin, revealing the rolled up trousers of the Bellhop uniform underneath. As he steps into the phone booth, Joe becomes aware of the SOUND of sugar's VOICE drifting up from the ballroom. She is singing "I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE." Almost despite himself, Joe finds himself drawn toward the ballroom entrance.

92. INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT.

92. Joe appears in the vestibule at the top of the stairs, looks down. From his point of view, we see Sugar perched on top of the piano, bathed in a spotlight. She is a little drunk, and more than a little blue, and she is singing the lyrics with heartbreaking conviction. Joe, watching her from the landing, is deeply moved. Slowly, he starts down the steps. One the bandstand, Sugar is winding up the torchy ballad, when suddenly Joe steps into the spotlight. Without a word, he takes her in his arms, kisses her.

SUGAR

[shocked] Josephine!!

Nearby, Sweet Sue is watching open-mouthed.

SUE

[screaming] BIENSTOCK!

Please click here to continue ...