A tobacconist's shop.

Text on screen: "In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarian (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists' shops to buy cigarettes ..."

A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Clerk: "Sorry?"

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Clerk: "Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's."

Hungarian: "Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched."

Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco ... um ... cigarettes." (holds up a pack)

Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh ... my hovercraft is full of eels."

Clerk: "Sorry?"

Hungarian: "My hovercraft ..." (pantomimes puffing a cigarette) "... is full of eels." (pretends to strike a match)

Clerk: "Ahh, matches!"

Hungarian: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant ... do you waaaaaant ... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?"

Clerk: "Here, I don't think you're using that thing right."

Hungarian: "You great poof."

Clerk: "That'll be six and six, please."

Hungarian: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I ... I am no longer infected."

Clerk: "Uh, may I, uh ..." (takes phrase book, flips through it) "... Costs six and six ... ah, here we are." (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

Cop: "What's going on here then?"

Hungarian: "Ah. You have beautiful thighs."

Cop: (looks down at himself) "WHAT?!?"

Clerk: "He hit me!"

Hungarian: "Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime." (points at clerk)

Cop: "RIGHT!!!" (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

Hungarian: (indignantly) "My nipples explode with delight!"

Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.

Characters: Judge - Terry Jones; Bailiff - Eric Idle; Lawyer - John Cleese; Cop - Graham Chapman; Publisher - Michael Palin.

Bailiff: "Call Alexander Yalt!" (voices sing out the name several times)

Judge: "Oh, shut up!"

Bailiff: (to publisher) "You are Alexander Yalt?"

Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) "Oh, I am."

Bailiff: "Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?"

Publisher: "I am."

Bailiff: "You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?"

Publisher: "Not guilty."

Bailiff: "You live at 46 Horton Terrace?"

Publisher: "I do live at 46 Horton Terrace."

Bailiff: "You are the director of a publishing company?"

Publisher: "I am the director of a publishing company."

Bailiff: "Your company publishes phrase books?"

Publisher: "My company does publish phrase books."

Bailiff: "You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?"

Publisher: "Yes."

Bailiff: (strikes a gong) "Ah! Got him!"

Lawyer and cop applaud, laugh.

Judge: "Get on with it, get on with it."

Bailiff: "That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book."

Publisher: "I did."

Bailiff: "I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum.'"

Publisher: "I wish to plead incompetence."

Cop: (stands) "Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?"

Judge: "An adjournment? Certainly not!"

The cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.

Judge: "Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?"

Cop: "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord."

Cut to ancient footage of old women applauding.

Judge: (banging and swinging gavel) "If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court."

Copyright 2006 Monty Python

Buy Monty Python's Flying Circus Set

Learn more about Antonella Gambotto-Burke ...
Trauma + recovery
Suicidal urges
A healthy life
The healing power of hope
In debt
The laughter page
Find your own North Star
How to feel better about yourself

If you want the Gesundheit! Institute's free newsletter, click HERE!
Chicken Soup for the Laughing Soul
Ask how you can learn to be happy - NOW!
Listen to laughter
The Happiness Project
World Laughter Tour - laughter therapy around the globe
Free monthly newsletter - The Heart at Work
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The Miracle Network
Inspiring stories
Free stress test
The Heart at Work Project
The Calm Centre
The Positivity Site