They proceed into the dreary, damp Fire Swamp. Cautiously, they move on. The sounds of many creatures permeate the air.

WESTLEY

It's not that bad ... [receiving an exasperated glance from BUTTERCUP] Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.

They continue through an eerie maze of trees. Suddenly, a popping sound is heard. A flame shoots up from the ground. BUTTERCUP's dress catches fire. She screams.

WESTLEY

[Calmly, smothering the flame] Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?

BUTTERCUP

[Nervously shaking her head] You?

WESTLEY simply shakes his head, completely confident. They continue. Suddenly another popping sound is heard. WESTLEY calmly lifts BUTTERCUP out of harm's way as a flame rises from the ground.

WESTLEY

Well, one thing I will say: the Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. [Cutting through a mass of vines] Robert's ship Revenge is banked at the far end and as you know, I am Roberts.

BUTTERCUP

But how's that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?

WESTLEY

I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying please was true ... it intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right Westley, never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." For three years he said that. "Good night, Westley - good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.

BUTTERCUP

What? Go on.

WESTLEY

Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me."

WESTLEY [cont'd]

The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either - his name was Cumberbun. The real Roberts had been retired fifteen years and was living like a king in Patagonia.Then he explained the name was the important for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

BUTTERCUP suddenly steps into a pit of sand and vanishes. WESTLEY, thinking quickly, cuts a vine and ties it around himself then plunges down in search of her. Moments later, they resurface, gasping for breath and coughing.

BUTTERCUP

We'll never succeed! We may as well die here.

WESTLEY

No, no! [Gasping] We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the Flame Spurt - no problem - there's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand - which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that, too.

BUTTERCUP

Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?

WESTLEY

Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

Just as WESTLEY finishes, a huge rodent jumps on top of him and tears into his shoulder. After some struggle, it breaks free and heads for BUTTERCUP.

BUTTERCUP

[Screaming] Westley!!

WESTLEY leaps upon the beast and BUTTERCUP fends it off with a large branch. After much struggle, a popping sound is heard. A flame rises and scorches the rodent. Not quite dead, the rodent hobbles away, but WESTLEY gives chase and stabs it

SCENE SIX

WESTLEY and BUTTERCUP finally exit the Fire Swamp, tired and worn.

BUTTERCUP

[Triumphantly] We did it!

WESTLEY

Now, was that so terrible?

Out of nowhere, the galloping of horses. HUMPERDINCK has found them.

HUMPERDINCK

Surrender!

WESTLEY

You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.

HUMPERDINCK

I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.

WESTLEY

Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.

HUMPERDINCK's men surround them with crossbows.

HUMPERDINCK

I tell you once again, surrender!

WESTLEY

It will not happen!

WESTLEY draws his sword.

HUMPERDINCK

[Shouting] For the last time, surrender!

WESTLEY

Death first!

BUTTERCUP

[Interrupting, to HUMPERDINCK] Will you promise not to hurt him?

HUMPERDINCK

What was that?

WESTLEY

What was that?

BUTTERCUP

[To HUMPERDINCK] If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?

HUMPERDINCK

May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!

BUTTERCUP

He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.

HUMPERDINCK

I swear it will be done. [HUMPERDINCK whispers to COUNT RUGEN] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.

COUNT RUGEN

I swear it will be done.

BUTTERCUP

[To WESTLEY] I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.

BUTTERCUP is lifted onto one of the horses and taken away. HUMPERDINCK follows.

COUNT RUGEN

[To Westley] Come sir, we must get you to your ship.

WESTLEY

We are men of action, lies do not become us.

COUNT RUGEN

Well spoken, sir. [He motions for the guards to escort him away. WESTLEY notices the Count has six fingers.] What is it?

WESTLEY

You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you ...

COUNT RUGEN quickly knocks WESTLEY out with the hilt of his sword.

SCENE SEVEN

The Pit of Despair. Enter an ALBINO. THE ALBINO examines WESTLEY - who is tied down - and cleans his wounds.

WESTLEY

Where am I?

THE ALBINO

[In a raspy voice] The Pit of Despair ... don't even think ... [coughs, gags, and then suddenly loses his raspy voice] ... don't even think about trying to escape. The chain are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count and I know how to get in and out.

WESTLEY

Then I'm here 'til I die?

THE ALBINO

'Til they kill you, yeah.

WESTLEY

Then why bother curing me?

THE ALBINO

Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.

WESTLEY

So it's to be torture. [THE ALBINO gestures happily.] I can cope with torture. [THE ALBINO vigorously shakes his head.] You don't believe me?

THE ALBINO

You survived the Fire Swamp, you must be very brave. But nobody withstands The Machine.

SCENE EIGHT

The Castle. BUTTERCUP sadly roams the castle. HUMPERDINCK and COUNT RUGEN are planning, and notice BUTTERCUP mooching around.

HUMPERDINCK

She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.

COUNT RUGEN

Of course.

NARRATOR

The King died that very night and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

HUMPERDINCK

[To anticipating crowd] My father's final words were ...

KID

[Passionately interrupting] Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley! I'm just sure of it ... after all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair!

GRANDFATHER

Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair!

KID

[Angrily] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!

GRANDFATHER

Do you want me to go on with this?

KID

[Apologetically] Yes.

GRANDFATHER

All right then, no more interruptions. [Narrating] At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

HUMPERDINCK

My father's final words were: "Love her as I loved her and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen - Queen Buttercup.

BUTTERCUP comes out before the crowd. She is singled out by a hag.

HAG

[In a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!

BUTTERCUP

[Upset] Why do you do this?

HAG

Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!

BUTTERCUP

But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it!

HAG

Your True Love lives, and you marry another! True Love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage! And that's what she is - the Queen of Refuse! So bow down to her if you want! Bow to her! Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!

BUTTERCUP awakens from her nightmare.

NARRATOR

It was ten days 'til the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were becoming steadily worse.

KID

See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck.

GRANDFATHER

Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.

BUTTERCUP confronts HUMPERDINCK in his quarters.

BUTTERCUP

It comes to this: I love Westley, I always have - I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry thee in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.

HUMPERDINCK

I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. [Turning to the Count] You um ... returned this Westley to his ship?

COUNT RUGEN

[In a sly voice] Yes.

HUMPERDINCK

Then we will simply alert him. [To BUTTERCUP] Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known as men of their words.

BUTTERCUP

My Westley will always come for me.

HUMPERDINCK

I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both; if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?

SCENE NINE

The Tree Grove. COUNT RUGEN and HUMPERDINCK are just outside the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair.

COUNT RUGEN

Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.

HUMPERDINCK

I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.

COUNT RUGEN

[Snickers, then examines a huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find ... [The tree opens to reveal a hidden passage] Ah. Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.

HUMPERDINCK

[Sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.

COUNT RUGEN

Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything.

He smiles halfheartedly, enters the pit, and HUMPERDINCK leaves.

COUNT RUGEN

[Admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. [He activates the water powered torture machine and WESTLEY writhes in great pain.] As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel? [WESTLEY cries and moans] Interesting ...

SCENE TEN

HUMPERDINCK again is in his quarters. YELLIN, HUMPERDINCK's man-at-arms enters the room.

HUMPERDINCK

Yellin.

YELLIN

Sire.

HUMPERDINCK

As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.

YELLIN

[Surprised] My spy network has heard no such news!

BUTTERCUP quietly enters.

BUTTERCUP

Any word from Westley?

HUMPERDINCK

[Startled] Too soon, my angel. Patience.

BUTTERCUP

He will come for me.

She leaves.

HUMPERDINCK

Of course. [Turning toYELLIN] She will not be murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested!

YELLIN

[Distraught] Many of the thieves will resist! My regular enforcers will be inadequate!

HUMPERDINCK

[Angered] Form a Brute Squad then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.

YELLIN

It won't be easy, Sire.

HUMPERDINCK

[Sarcastically] Try ruling the world sometime.

SCENE ELEVEN

NARRATOR

The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders.

The Thieves' Forest. YELLIN and his men are clearing out the forest.

YELLIN

Is everybody out?

BRUTE

Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.

YELLIN

Well, you give him some ... trouble. Move!

INIGO, drunk, is giving one of the guards a difficult time.

INIGO

[Loudly] I am waiting for you, Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.

BRUTE

[Angrily] Ho, there!

INIGO

[Stumbling] I do not budge. Keep your "ho, there."

BRUTE

But the prince gave orders!

INIGO leaps up and slashes at the BRUTE with his sword. The guard is taken back.

INIGO

I know you, Vizzini ... when the job went wrong you went back to the beginning ... and this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying 'till Vizzini comes.

BRUTE

[Calls out behind INIGO] You! Brute, come here!

INIGO

[mumbling to himself] I ... am ... waiting ... for ... Vizzini.

Just then, a hand grabs him from behind.

FEZZIK

You surely are a meany.

INIGO looks up, and sees that it's FEZZIK.

FEZZIK

Hello.

INIGO

It's you!

The BRUTE jumps in to see what's going on, but FEZZIK knocks him out with one punch.

FEZZIK

You don't look so good ...You don't smell so good either.

INIGO

Perhaps no. I feel fine ...

FEZZIK lets go of INIGO, who drunkenly falls flat on his face.

NARRATOR

Fezzik and Inigo were reunited, and as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [INIGO falls face first into a bowl of soup]. Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo.

FEZZIK repeatedly soaks INIGO's head in and out of barrels of hot and cold water.

INIGO

[More sober] That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I might kill him?

FEZZIK

He's with the prince in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.

INIGO

How many could you handle?

FEZZIK

I don't think more than ten.

INIGO

[Counting on his fingers] ... Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.

FEZZIK

But Vizzini is dead.

INIGO

[Inspired] No ... not Vizzini. I need The Man in Black!

FEZZIK

What?

INIGO

Look, he bested you at strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day! Let's go!

FEZZIK

Where?

INIGO

... Find The Man in Black, obviously.

FEZZIK

But you don't know where he is?

INIGO

Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years at last, my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!

SCENE TWELVE

The scene moves back to HUMPERDINCK, sharpening a dagger in his chambers. YELLIN arrives.

HUMPERDINCK

Rise and report!

YELLIN

The Thieves' Forest is emptied! Thirty men guard the castle gate!

HUMPERDINCK

Double it! My princess must be safe.

YELLIN

The gate has but one key, and I carry that.

BUTTERCUP arrives.

HUMPERDINCK

Ah, my dulcet darling! Tonight, we marry. [Turning to YELLIN] Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.

BUTTERCUP

[Disturbed] Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [HUMPERDINCK looks confused]. Every ship but the four you sent.

HUMPERDINCK

[Recovering badly] Yes. Yes of course. Naturally not those four.

YELLIN

[Sensing tension, he exits] Your Majesty!

BUTTERCUP

You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter, Westley will come for me anyway.

HUMPERDINCK

You're a silly girl.

BUTTERCUP

Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.

HUMPERDINCK

[Outraged] I would not say such things if I were you!

BUTTERCUP

Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that - not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it - not with a thousand swords, and when I say you're a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth.

HUMPERDINCK

[Furious] I would not say such things if I were you!!!

He forcefully escorts BUTTERCUP to her chamber before exiting the castle and entering the Pit of Despair.

HUMPERDINCK

[To Westley] You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no mater what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.

HUMPERDINCK sets The Machine to the maximum of 50.

COUNT RUGEN

[Screaming] Not to fifty!!

WESTLEY screams out in pain. The entire kingdom can hear his cries. INIGO and FEZZIK hear the echoing noise from afar.

INIGO

Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father - The Man in Black makes it now!

FEZZIK

The Man in Black?

INIGO

His True Love is marrying another tonight. So who else is the cause for ultimate suffering? [INIGO and FEZZIK push their way through a mass of people.] Excuse me ... pardon me ... it's important. [They struggle to move even a few feet] Fezzik, please?

FEZZIK

[Bellowing] EVERYBODY, MOVE!!!

INIGO

Thank you.

The whole crowd clears out, leaving a perfect path for the two. INIGO and FEZZIK trace the screams to the tree grove where they find THE ALBINO working a wheel-barrow.

INIGO

[To THE ALBINO] Where is The Man in Black? You get that from this grove, yes? [No response] Fezzik, jog his memory. [FEZZIK hits THE ALBINO on the top of his head and he falls over].

FEZZIK

I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?

INIGO, not giving up, kneels on one leg, holding his sword high. He speaks:

INIGO

Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I can not find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword, please. Guide my sword.

INIGO stands, eyes closed, and follows his sword. It sticks into a nearby tree. INIGO thinks he has failed but leans against the tree, and the secret entrance is revealed. They enter the Pit of Despair, where they find WESTLEY.

FEZZIK

[Putting his ear to WESTLEY's chest] He's dead.

INIGO

This is no fair.

KID

[Jumping in, upset] Grandpa! Grandpa! Wait, wait! What did Fezzik mean, "He's dead"?? I mean, he didn't mean "dead"! Westley is only faking, right?

GRANDFATHER

Do you want me to read this or not?

KID

Who gets Humperdinck!

GRANDFATHER

I don't understand.

KID

[Annoyed] Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end, someone's got to do it! Is it Inigo? Who?!

GRANDFATHER

Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.

KID

You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?

GRANDFATHER

You know, you ... you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now.

KID

No. I ... I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.

GRANDFATHER

Okay. All right, now lets see ... where were we? Oh, yes, in the Pit of Despair ...

INIGO

The Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.

FEZZIK

The body?

INIGO

Have you any money?

FEZZIK

I have a little.

INIGO

I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

SCENE THIRTEEN

INIGO and FEZZIK arrive with WESTLEY's body in front of a small wooden house. INIGO knocks.

VOICE

[From inside, irritated] Go away!

INIGO knocks harder, until MIRACLE MAX, an old man, peers through a hole cut in the door.

MIRACLE MAX

What?! What?!

INIGO

Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?

MIRACLE MAX

The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! [He closes the flap over the door hole, but INIGO continues knocking.] Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad!

FEZZIK

I'm on the Brute Squad.

MIRACLE MAX

You are the Brute Squad?

INIGO

We need a miracle. It's very important.

MIRACLE MAX

Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle.

INIGO

He's already dead.

MIRACLE MAX

[Intrigued] He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. [They enter. MIRACLE MAX examines WESTLEY.] I've seen worse.

INIGO

Sir ... Sir.

MIRACLE MAX

Huh?

INIGO

We're in a terrible rush.

MIRACLE MAX

Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

INIGO

Sixty-five.

MIRACLE MAX

Sheesh! I never worked for so little ... except once and that was a very noble cause.

INIGO

This is noble sir. His wife is ... crippled ... children on the brink of starvation ...

MIRACLE MAX

Are you a rotten liar.

INIGO

I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

MIRACLE MAX

Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.

INIGO

He's dead. He can't talk.

MIRACLE MAX

Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. [He inserts the bellows] Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead ... well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

INIGO

What's that?

MIRACLE MAX

Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [He pumps air into WESTLEY and yells at him] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for?

WESTLEY

[Barely audible] True ... Looooooooooooooooooove....

INIGO

[Excited] True Love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that!

MIRACLE MAX

Sonny, True Love is the greatest thing in the world ... except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich ... when the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "to blaithe". And as we all know, "to blaithe" means "to bluff". So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated ...

OLD WOMAN [VALERIE]

[Interrupting] Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!

MIRACLE MAX

Get back, Witch!

VALERIE

I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!

MIRACLE MAX

You never had it so good. [He smiles at INIGO]

VALERIE

True Love, who said True Love, Max?

MIRACLE MAX

Don't say another word, Valerie ...

INIGO looks on in disbelief.

VALERIE

You're afraid! Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence has shattered.

MIRACLE MAX

[Yelling] Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that name!

VALERIE

What, Humperdinck?!

MIRACLE MAX

[Cringing] Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

VALERIE

Humperdinck!

MIRACLE MAX

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

VALERIE chases MIRACLE MAX around the room yelling. MIRACLE MAX is covering his ears.

VALERIE

Humperdinck!

MIRACLE MAX

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

VALERIE

Humperdinck!

MIRACLE MAX

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

VALERIE

[In a sing-songy] Humperdinck .... Humperdinck ... Humperdinck ... Humperdinck ... Humperdinck!

MIRACLE MAX

I'm not listening!

VALERIE

True Love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!

MIRACLE MAX

Nobody's hearing nothing!

VALERIE

Humperdinck! [She continues to yell "Humperdinck"]

INIGO

[Interrupting] This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!

MIRACLE MAX

[To VALERIE] Shut up!

INIGO

Thank you. Thank you.

MIRACLE MAX

Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?

INIGO

Humiliations galore!

MIRACLE MAX

Ha ha!! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!

MIRACLE MAX, with help from VALERIE, concocts a pill for WESTLEY.

INIGO

That's a miracle pill?

VALERIE

The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least ...

MIRACLE MAX

[Jumping in] An hour!

VALERIE

An hour.

MIRACLE MAX

... A good hour ... here [He gives INIGO the pill].

INIGO

[Leaving] Thank you for everything.

MIRACLE MAX

Okay!

VALERIE

Bye bye, boys!

MIRACLE MAX

Have fun storming the castle!

VALERIE [To MIRACLE MAX, once they have left] Think it will work?

MIRACLE MAX

It would take a miracle.

MIRACLE MAX and VALERIE

[Waving] Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbye!

SCENE FOURTEEN

Dusk. INIGO and FEZZIK are outside the castle, looking down at the main gate.

FEZZIK

Inigo, there's more than thirty!

INIGO

[Propping WESTLEY up] What's the difference? We've got him! Help me here. We have to force-feed him.

FEZZIK

Has it been fifteen minutes?

INIGO

We can't wait. The wedding is in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. [He puts the pill in WESTLEY's mouth].

FEZZIK

How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?

INIGO

Your guess is as good as mine.

WESTLEY

[Disoriented] I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!

FEZZIK

I guess not very long.

WESTLEY

Why won't my arms move?

FEZZIK

You've been mostly dead all day.

INIGO

We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.

WESTLEY

Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?

INIGO

Let me explain ... no, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape - after I kill Count Rugen.

WESTLEY

That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.

FEZZIK

You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!

WESTLEY

I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?

INIGO

There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by sixty men.

WESTLEY

And our assets?

INIGO

Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.

WESTLEY

That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this ...

FEZZIK

You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?

WESTLEY

My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmmmn?? I mean if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.

INIGO

Where did we put that wheelbarrow The Albino had?

FEZZIK

Over The Albino, I think.

WESTLEY

Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?! [Sighs] What I wouldn't give for a Holocaust Cloak ...

INIGO

There we cannot help you.

FEZZIK

[Pulling a black cloak from under his shirt] Would this do?

INIGO

Where did you get that?

FEZZIK At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.

WESTLEY

All right, all right, come help me up. [They help him up.] Now I'll need a sword eventually.

INIGO

Why? You can't even lift one.

WESTLEY

True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? [INIGO gives him a sword.] Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.

INIGO

I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?

FEZZIK

Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.

INIGO

Right, right ... sorry.

FEZZIK

Inigo?

INIGO

What?

FEZZIK

I hope we win.

Inside the castle ...

HUMPERDINCK

You don't seem excited, my little muffin.

BUTTERCUP

Should I be?

HUMPERDINCK

Brides often are, I'm told.

BUTTERCUP

I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me.

SCENE FIFTEEN

In the chapel. Music blares. HUMPERDINCK and BUTTERCUP stand before a CLERGYMAN. THE CLERGYMAN [Peter Cook] has a speech impediment.

CLERGYMAN

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam ...

Outside, YELLIN is heard.

YELLIN

Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

FEZZIK is dressed in the black cloak and being pushed from behind in the Wheelbarrow. He now looks enormous and fearsome.

FEZZIK

[Shouting] I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!

INIGO

Now?

WESTLEY

Not yet.

FEZZIK

My men are here! I am here! ... But soon you will not be here!

INIGO

[Barely coping with FEZZIK's weight] Now?!

WESTLEY

Light him!

They light FEZZIK's cloak with a torch.

FEZZIK

The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares have but to come true!

The gate guards scatter in all directions.

CLERGYMAN

Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever ...

FEZZIK

[Outside] The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul!

YELLIN yells for the guards to fight. The rest run.

CLERGYMAN

So tweasure youw ...

HUMPERDINCK

[Interrupting] Skip to the end!

CLERGYMAN

Have you the wing?

BUTTERCUP

Here comes my Westley now.

FEZZIK has removed the robe and all the guards except YELLIN have fled.

WESTLEY

Fezzik, the portcullis!

FEZZIK lifts the portcullis with some trouble

HUMPERDINCK

Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.

BUTTERCUP

Then why is there fear behind your eyes.

WESTLEY

[To YELLIN] Give us the gate key.

YELLIN

I have no gate key.

INIGO

Fezzik, tear his arms off.

YELLIN

Oh, you mean this gate key.

CLERGYMAN

Do you, Pwincess Buttewcup ...

HUMPERDINCK

[Desperately] Man and wife! Say man and wife!

CLERGYMAN

Man and Wife!

HUMPERDINCK

Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.

BUTTERCUP

He didn't come ...

FEZZIK, INIGO and WESTLEY are in the castle. FEZZIK is holding up WESTLEY. INIGO, leading the way, meets with COUNT RUGEN and four of his guards.

COUNT RUGEN

Kill the dark one and the giant but leave the third for questioning.

The guards try to rush by INIGO, but are no match for his brilliant swordsmanship. INIGO slays all four. Only COUNT RUGEN remains.

INIGO

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Just as INIGO and COUNT RUGEN prepare to duel, the COUNT turns around and runs away. INIGO chases him. COUNT RUGEN locks one of the doors behind him and INIGO is not strong enough to break through] Fezzik! I need you!

FEZZIK

I can't leave him [meaning WESTLEY] alone!

INIGO

He's getting away from me, Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!

FEZZIK

[To WESTLEY] I'll be right back.

FEZZIK easily knocks the door down.

INIGO

Thank you.

THE KING and QUEEN escortBUTTERCUP from the chapel.

THE KING

Strange wedding ...

THE QUEEN

Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along.

THE QUEEN exits and BUTTERCUP kisses THE KING on the forehead.

THE KING

What was that for?

BUTTERCUP

Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

THE KING

[Happily] Won't that be nice ... she kissed me! [He giggles.]

COUNT RUGEN eventually runs into a dead end. INIGO is still giving chase. COUNT RUGEN removes a dagger from boot and surprises INIGO with it by suddenly stabbing him in the stomach.

INIGO

[Falling to his knees] Sorry father, I tried.

COUNT RUGEN

You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've been tracing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.

In the Honeymoon Suite, BUTTERCUP is preparing to kill herself with a dagger. Unbeknownst to her, WESTLEY lies on her bed.

WESTLEY

There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.

BUTTERCUP

Westley! Oh, Westley, darling! [She kisses him all over.] Westley, why won't you hold me?

WESTLEY

Gently ... [He has almost no strength.]

BUTTERCUP

At a time like this, that is all you can think to say - gently?

WESTLEY

Gently ...

BUTTERCUP accidentally bangs WESTLEY's head on the headboard.

In the other chamber, INIGO pulls the dagger from his stomach and tries to stand.

COUNT RUGEN

Good heavens ... are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.

COUNT RUGEN tries to slash INIGO through the heart, but INIGO blocks the attack - only his arm is stabbed.

INIGO

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You Killed my father. Prepare to die. [He stumbles, holding his stomach. They exchange attacks.] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Gaining strength, he fiercely lunges at COUNT RUGEN as he yells:] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!

COUNT RUGEN

[Frightened] Stop saying that!

INIGO

[Enraged] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die! [He corners COUNT RUGEN and slashes his cheek] Offer me money! [He slashes his other cheek.]

COUNT RUGEN

All that I have and more! Please!

INIGO

Offer me anything I ask for!

COUNT RUGEN

Anything you want! [He tries a quick move on INIGO]

INIGO

[Plunging his sword into COUNT RUGEN's chest] I want my father back, you son of a bitch!

COUNT RUGEN falls to the floor, dead. INIGO runs off to find WESTLEY.

Back in the Honeymoon Suite.

BUTTERCUP

Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?

WESTLEY

What hideous sin have you committed lately?

BUTTERCUP

I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

WESTLEY

It never happened.

BUTTERCUP

What?

WESTLEY

It never happened.

BUTTERCUP

But it did! I was there ... this old man said, "man and wife".

WESTLEY

Did you say I do?

BUTTERCUP

Uh ... no. We sort of skipped that part.

WESTLEY

Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?

HUMPERDINCK

A technicality that will shortly be remedied ... but first things first. [He draws his sword] To the death!

WESTLEY

[Slowly sitting up] No! To the pain!

HUMPERDINCK

I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase?

WESTLEY

I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. You wart-hog-faced buffoon!

HUMPERDINCK

[Insulted] That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me!

WESTLEY

It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose.

HUMPERDINCK

[Impatiently] Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

WESTLEY

I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!

HUMPERDINCK

And then my ears ... I understand! Let's get on with it!

WESTLEY

Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?!" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

HUMPERDINCK

I think you're bluffing!

WESTLEY

It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all. [Slowly he stands, his sword pointed at HUMPERDINCK's chest] Drop ... your... sword! [HUMPERDINCK throws his sword to the ground] Now, have a seat. [To BUTTERCUP] Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. [BUTTERCUP obeys as INIGO enters.]

INIGO

Where's Fezzik?

WESTLEY

I thought he was with you. In that case ...

WESTLEY starts to move and almost topples over.

INIGO

[To BUTTERCUP] Help him.

BUTTERCUP

Why does Westley need helping?

INIGO

Because he has no strength.

HUMPERDINCK

I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! [INIGO points his sword at him] I knew he was ... bluffing.

INIGO

Shall I dispatch him for you?

WESTLEY

Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

FEZZIK

[From outside the window] Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? [INIGO runs to the window] Oh ... there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. [BUTTERCUP and WESTLEY run to the window to see FEZZIK on a horse] Hello lady! ... So I took them with me in case we ever bumped into each other. But I guess we just did.

INIGO

Fezzik, you did something right!

FEZZIK

Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

BUTTERCUP leaps from the window and is caught by FEZZIK.

INIGO

You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

WESTLEY

Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.

They leave.

NARRATOR

They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other ...

KID

What?! What?!

GRANDFATHER

Naaaaah ... it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

KID

Well ... I don't mind so much.

GRANDFATHER

Okay ... since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End. [To KID] Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.

KID

Okay.

GRANDFATHER

[Searching his pockets, making sure he forgot nothing] Okay ... okay ... okay ... all right ... shalom.

KID

Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

GRANDFATHER

As you wish.

THE END

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