In order to find a love for life, you'll need to know what your strongest
interest is. What really interests you? What do you love to talk about,
read about, do, have, play with?
If you don't know the answer to those questions, or if the answers are
a bunch of minor interests rather than one major interest, forget about
finding a mate until you know what your passion is. But once you know
that, finding a mate is easy: Pursue your interest
and see who shows up.
Let's say you love sailing. If you want to find someone you'll love
to talk to, you'll need to find someone as interested in sailing as
you are. Otherwise, although the two of you may have a functional relationship,
you' ll be living in different worlds. Our deepest purposes and interests
are at the heart of who we are. So join a sailing club, go to sailing
classes and races.
Pursue your interest.
The people you meet in a sailing club are much more likely to be interested
in sailing than the people you'd meet in a bar, for example. The rush
of hormones at the beginning of a relationship wears off. Sorry to say
it, but it's true. No matter how attractive someone may be, that initial
intense rush eventually dies down. But that's okay, because there's
a deeper, more satisfying kind of love and attraction: the respect and
affection between two people who share a common purpose or interest.
Raising children ends up being the common purpose between many married
couples. But if child-raising doesn't intensely interest both of you,
it isn 't a good enough purpose to create and maintain the longtime
happiness of a lifemate.
Two things need to be said. First, you'll never find the "perfect" mate.
She or he may seem perfect for a while, but no one can meet every one
of your ideals. In fact, some of your ideals are probably mutually exclusive,
so meeting all of them is literally impossible. You'll eventually find
faults in anyone because everyone has faults.
When you find faults with your mate, remind yourself of that.
Quit imagining that there is a perfect person out there somewhere. There
isn't. Second, even when you've found your lifemate, you'll sometimes
be attracted to others. It's human. It doesn't mean anything except
that you are a biological machine, built to breed. The human species
(and every other species on the planet) has a built-in urge to multiply.
Stick with your mate and don't let it be important that others attract
you. Your response to yourself can simply be: "So what if I'm attracted
to someone? It doesn't mean anything." Stay true to your mate even when
an occasional attraction inclines you temporarily to do otherwise. You'll
be happier and healthier as a result.
You want to find a lifemate? Take up your strongest interest with enthusiasm
and see who shows up.
After you find the person you're looking for and the rush of hormones
has worn off, accept the fact that your mate isn't perfect, that nobody
is perfect, and remind yourself that it isn't important that you
are occasionally attracted to others. Do this and you can live (pretty
darn) happily ever after. Pursue your interest and remind yourself:
Nobody's perfect and attraction to others is unimportant.
© 1999 Healthyplace
Adam Khan's Self-Help Stuff That Works