change the world
accept 100% full responsibility for love
By Bill Ferguson
No matter what happens in your relationship, you have something to do with it.
Once you discover your role in the problem, you get your power back. You can turn your situation around. When you can't see your role in the problem, you lose your power and you stay stuck forever.
We've been taught that relationships are 50/50 but they're not. They are 100/100. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.
In any relationship, each person is constantly reacting to the other. No matter how someone gets treated, that person will react accordingly.
Notice what happens when someone accepts and appreciates you. You feel loved and automatically accept and appreciate that person in return.
Now notice what happens when someone is judgmental and critical towards you.
You get upset and become judgmental and critical in return. However you get treated, you will respond accordingly.
This makes the other person 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love in your relationship. It makes you 0% because no matter what the other person does, you are going to react quite naturally.
At the same time, the other side of the coin is also true. How you treat the other person determines how that person will respond to you. This makes you 100% responsible and the other person 0%.
Each person in a relationship is constantly reacting to the other. At the same time, each person is constantly determining the other person's reaction.
In other words, each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love. How you treat the other person determines how that person is going to treat you.
Unfortunately, we seldom notice our 100%. We only notice how the other person treats us. We can easily see the other person's responsibility, but we can't see our own.
When you can't see your 100%, all you can do is react. When all you can do is react, you have no ability to determine what will happen.
If you want a relationship to work, you need to accept your 100%. You need to make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated. When you are reacting, this becomes impossible.
Usually, it's just a matter of time until someone gets hurt and upset. That person then puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks or withdraws.
Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing in return. Then the first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.
Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the conflict.
To create and maintain this cycle, there must be two people participating.
It is physically impossible to have a cycle of conflict with only one person. Each person is 100% responsible.
Once you discover your role in the conflict, you can do something about it. You can stop the non-accepting. You can end the cycle of conflict and restore the love.
Take a moment and look at your relationship. Find your 100% responsibility for the loss of love. Notice how non-accepting and critical you have been. Notice how you have hurt the other person and how that person has gotten upset and given it back to you.
The other person is also fully responsible, but so what. When you point at the other person's responsibility, you may be telling the truth, but it doesn't change your situation. You just give your power away.
To have your life be as great as it can be, you need to give up the blaming. Find your role in the problem.
Then take whatever action you need to handle your situation.
Once you discover your 100% responsibility, you get your power back. You can then take the action you need to heal your relationship and to create a life that works.
Ed and Joanne argued constantly. Each was angry and resentful toward the other.
At first, Ed could only see how Joanne treated him. All he could see were the hateful things she did to him. The situation looked hopeless until Ed saw his responsibility for what was happening.
Then he began to look at the relationship from Joanne's point of view. He saw how critical and non-accepting he had been of her. He saw how much he had hurt Joanne and how this had forced Joanne to be hard and resentful.
Once Ed saw the truth of his 100% responsibility, he permanently altered his relationship with Joanne. Even though Joanne was also 100% responsible, Ed could no longer blame her for what had happened.
Ed took responsibility for the success of his relationship. He stopped being demanding and critical. He made sure Joanne felt loved, accepted and appreciated.
The relationship altered almost overnight. The constant arguing stopped. Joanne felt safe and let go of her walls of protection. Each expressed more and more love for each other.
The healing began the moment Ed accepted his full 100% responsibility.
Now he has a relationship that works.
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